Life Sucks

Probably the last YouTube post for a while. But this kills me. Probably doesn't promote the right reasons for drinking but promotes drinking nonetheless. Good fight, good night.

Old iPod Commercial

I think this might be the first iPod Commercial. It seems like it came out so long ago, yet it was only five years. I don't know if anyone at Apple thought iPods were going to get as big as they did. Thought this was pretty cool.

On a side note, I'm becoming increasingly technologically advanced in my blog. Look, a video! And not yesterday I discovered how to make a link pop into a new window! Wow, these internets really are pretty neat. Anyway I noticed that recently I've been posting more than I usually do. I don't really know why.

Done.

Matthew Lesko's An Idiot

"You've never seen a book so easy to use!" is a direct quote from Matthew Lesko (I figured out how to make links pop up into new windows). You might remember this character as the guy who has all those crazy commercials promoting "free money".

This sentence is similar to Lewis Black's example: "I never would have spent that year in college if it wasn't for my horse". What is wrong with you, Matthew Lesko? And why do I want to keep spelling your name Matthew Lesco?

You've never seen a book so easy to use. Are you retarded? A book so easy to use? I have to assume that someone besides Matthew Lesko looked at the script before he made the commercial. I assume someone saw the commercial in post-production before it hit the air. So I think it's fair to say that this was not a script error.

I can't get over this. A BOOK so easy to USE. I can see it now. You order your fresh copy of whatever his book is called, pull it out of the box (did he get the government to pay the postage), but wait, is the book broken? You just cannot figure out how to use it. You look in the box again; salvation! The instruction manual.

Step 1. Hold book in hands. For proper operation, ensure book is in the upright position
Step 2. With left hand, grasp top cover and tug in an arcing motion from right to left.
Step 3. Look down at text. Read.
Step 4. When all text has been read on page, take hand, and in similar arcing motion to cover, turn page. Repeat as needed.

Holy retarded dogshit, Batman! It really is the easiest book to operate I've ever seen! Matthew Lesko, I am hereby submitting your name to Keith Olbermann's 'Worst People in the World' bit on MSNBC. As soon as I figure out how.

In conclusion, I have misspelled Matthew Lesko's name every time I've typed it (including that one), therefore Matthew Lesko, you should rename yourself to Matthew Lesco.

Christmas Party

OK, so it wasn't that big, but I had a Holiday Party the other day, and I figured that it was finally time to write about it. It's only been like two weeks. Or three. Plus it was just Christmas, therefore I find it timely.
It was a holiday attire themed party. Men had to wear either Christmas sweaters or cocktail party and women the same. We had a laisez-faire economy with drinks. You give me $5 and I get you drunk. This for that, get it? To be honest with you, I've been having more fun with the pictures than the actual post, so you're kind of getting fucked if you want to hear about the party.
Anyway, a metric shitload of people showed up, we went through all of our booze (and then some), and many a people got fairly intoxicated (an understatement). Sangster (left) left his bow tie (pictured right) in my room. I'm not going to apologize about the poor quality of the writing on the pictures. You try doing that with a touch pad, and tell me how it goes. As a side note, I notice that all my posts recently have been late at night. Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Syriana

I just finished watching Syriana for the first time. I must admit, I really enjoyed the movie. However, I have to point out that this is definitely the kind of film that you need to watch more than once to fully understand it. Part of the problem is the fact that the movie's set up more like a book than a motion picture--with several story lines that begin completely separated then slowly come together in the end.

Excellent cinematography, beautiful scenery, and the director had a great selection of cut sequences. It is interesting to point out that George Clooney appeared to have put on a considerable amount of weight for this role, and even changed his stride to fit the character. Overall his acting was clean and convincing except the torture sequence. Yeah, he gets tortured, no it doesn't look convincing. If you haven't seen the movie and still want to, then maybe you should pick up my blog at the next entry--though it's not like I'm telling you that Bruce Willis was dead in the Sixth Sense.

I've fucked up my fingernails before, and let me tell you, shit hurts. A lot. Getting ten of them pulled out with a pair of nail pulling pliers (interestingly enough their actual name, look it up) would probably leave you in enough pain to make it difficult to utter a one liner to your accuser.

So that was pretty much my big qualm with the movie. Syriana shows an in depth look at the intense corruption of the oil industry, and how America will do what it takes to keep ourselves on top. It touches into the causes of Muslim extremism, and how the American government is more concerned with keeping the supply going than fostering democracy in the Middle East. As Danny Dalton said, "Corruption is why we win."

I really liked the ending. It came very fast and very hard, and wasn't your typical uplifting Hollywood ending. Syriana, like our foreign policy leaves the viewer with a lot of unanswered questions, and untied knots. Definitely a movie I'll see again, if for no other reason to try and understand the part of the plot that I missed the first time. Highly recommended.

The Iraqi Horror Picture Show

What are we still doing there?

Iraq Police Deaths 'hit 12,000' (from bbc.com)

Killer Apps

It has recently occurred to me that the meaning of the phrase "killer apps" has fundamentally changed. Maybe it's because I've been reading too much On Language by William Saffire, but this idea just kinda popped into my head the other day, and I thought I would share it with you lovely people. I've thrown something together in Photoshop to illustrate my point. (Click on the picture to make it bigger, as always)
By now, I'm sure you know what I mean. You used to go to a cocktail party and comment on the killer apps that the host made. Or got catered. Regardless, it meant that the appetizers happened to be pretty good. Then along came Al Gore and his "The Internet". All of a sudden, computers are becoming more important than food, and people are playing World of Warcraft (if you don't know, click) for 12 hours straight. So now people go to computer parties, and await the release of the next "killer app" while eating what are potentially delicious hors d'oeuvres. This has been another educational lesson brought to you by A Clean, Well Lighted Place, makers of Frank's Homicidal Ointment. Thanks for reading, and we hope to see you soon.

Windows Vista

Okay, you caught me, I'm a big tool. Shocking, I know. But anyway, I was trawling the New York Times, and I came across this David Pogue movie about Microsoft's new operating system, Windows Vista. It's disturbingly amusing, and I highly recommended it.

Click Here to watch. You don't need to be an IT guy to get a chuckle out of it.

Stalling Part Deux

Okay, let's see how much I've gotten done since my last post. Oh right, nothing. Anyway, during my nothingness, I happened to stumble upon my friend's blog. Relentless is a highly quality composition that I can best describe as the trials and tribulations of a high school senior.

It really is amazing that not even two years ago, this was me. Well that's not true. Less than two years ago, I was a much less insightful more caddy version of this. Now that's not particularly amazing at all.

I wish I could say that all the pressure and stress of high school will go away when you graduate. But let's be honest. College isn't exactly a breeze, and I sometimes feel that we party so hard only to blow off all the accumulated steam from the week. And then work. Work sucks, there's no way around it. But, using the Nuremburg defense, it pays the mortgage.

I'm just bitching because I really don't want to finish writing this paper. Shit. I'm going to run to 7Eleven (or is it Seven11) to get another Redbull.

Done.

Gigantic Taxi

This post is going to be really short because I have a paper due tomorrow that I'm procrastinating on horribly.

Walking back to my room tonight, I saw something I never saw before. It was a cab, but not any ordinary cab. You see, this cab was a stretch limo. It was dressed in typical D.C. cab fashion (i.e. it was that drab gray color, had the TAXI light on top, and had the name of the driver, it was something like M.Ahmadinejad Cab Company).
The bastard was also driving in typical D.C. cab fashion (i.e. too fast for me to take a picture). Now I know that unlike real cities such as New York, Washington doesn't require cabs to conform to any particular standard. That's why you see the Jeep cabs and the Suburban cabs (don't forget the two-door Dodge Intrepid cabs, but come on now, a stretch limo cab? Now that's just a little ridiculous.

Well I have nothing else really to say about that. Stay tuned for the "I Recently Hosted a Kick-Ass Party" post and the "Really Fat Pigeons" post as well.

Random Tidbit

You know it's time to take out the garbage when you're using the Trader Joe's bag as an auxiliary garbage can because the normal one's overflowing.

Funny Thing Happened to Me at the Bar

This actually happened to me last week, but I haven't had time to post it until today. Well, let's clarify real quick, the funny thing didn't happen to me, per se. I watched it happen. I was a witness, if you will. Well enough about me, and on to a funny story.

I'm going to begin with Exhibit A: 51st State's 10 cent wings:

OK, this is pretty self explanatory, and not particularly funny. It was Tuesday night, there were 10 cent wings. We got them. It is important to note that by the time our story picks up, they have been sitting on the table for about two hours.

Moving along, here we are, sitting at this long table, and we had kind of merged with the table sitting next to us, making a very large group of vague association. People kept coming over and chatting with us and what not, at least somebody knew everyone, it worked out well. So anyway, this very drunk girl comes over to our end, and sees the wings and lunges for them. No problem, we weren't eating them, feel free. The problem is, however that she dipped it in the blue cheese dip. Normally not a problem but tonight is no ordinary night. There was no ashtray on the table, so after we finished eating the wings, the smokers used the blue cheese dip as an ashtray.

Exhibit B: The blue cheese right after the girl dipped into it.
If you would notice, the top part of the container has no ash on top. That's what the girl ate. We all knew what was happening, and were all just kind of sitting there in awe as she wolfed the wing down. After she finished the wing, she put the bones back on the plate and walked away. We all cracked up, amazed that she ate this wing, covered in cigarette ash, and had no idea. I don' think she ever found out. I find that very funny.

Sorry for the quality of the pictures, they were taken on my cell phone in a dark bar, and I was pretty drunk.

I Hate this Class

So here we are, 11:30am on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I'm sitting in my favorite class, Management Organization Systems. There are 15 people in this class of usually 50. 9 of us are here because we are presenting or are 'experts' today and required for class participation. Take a hint, professor. I want to get on the road, so I don't get stuck in traffic for two million hours. Literally, two million hours.

I actually talked with this particular Prof about just handing in my assignment early so I wouldn't have to be here today. That idea got shot down...rather quickly. She said I wouldn't be getting full credit. And when I said I had to drive home on 95 to Connecticut, she informed me that yeah, she also had to drive home to Michigan tonight. Thats wonderful. I have to take one of the most used swaths of land ever created home, while she gets to drive through Ohio and western Pennsylvania. Yeah, a very popular travel route, I might add.

This sucks. I want to go home.

Jack Bauer once did nothing noteworthy.

Here I am sitting in Management Organizational Systems, blithely paying attention to the worthless drivel that's coming out of the lecture. It seems that every week, one new person gives in and starts bringing a laptop to class. Well this week, my hat is off to the kid sitting one row up and 4 seats over. Wearing a hoodie, and very discreetly concealing the headphone wire, he is watching an episode of 24. And the professor is none the wiser. This, to me, takes a lot of balls.

A funny thing happened to me at the bar last night, but that'll come later.

Step Up Crayola

So, I'm sitting at work, at the amazing Kettler Capitals Iceplex, waiting for our Certificate of Occupancy and there's this box of crayons and some coloring books at the table next to me. Having nothing better to do, I do the obvious, start coloring in one of the coloring books. Something you have to understand is that i had about 2 1/2 hours to kill. Anyway, I'm coloring along on my merry way (and getting some pretty strange looks), when I come across this crayon:

(uploaded directly from my cell phone)

What do you mean name coming soon? Is there such a shortage of people that decide crayon colors at Crayola that they just can't keep up with the supply? I'm sure you can understand my predicament. Here I am in the midst of my Picasso quality renderings (staying within the lines and all), and I just want to know what color this crayon is going to be.

Needless to say I didn't use it and will probably be sending an angry letter to the Crayola Corporation. And if Crayola isn't its own corporation, then whoever makes Crayolas, you're going to hear about it from me.

Interesting Connecticut Law

So, after elections, I thought I'd throw in a fun tidbit I saw while trying to figure out the fine for my moving violation. It's interesting to note that there's no provision for cats.

Original image brought to you by the Great State of Connecticut
(then edited by me)

Sec. 14-226. Operator to report injury to dog. Any person who has knowledge of causing, by the operation of a motor vehicle, injury or death to a dog shall at once stop and render such assistance as may be possible, shall immediately report such injury or death to such dog's owner or such owner's representative and shall give his name, address and operator's license and registration numbers to such owner or representative or any witness or peace officer. If unable to ascertain and locate such owner or representative, such operator shall, at once, report the injury or death to a police officer, constable, state police officer or inspector of motor vehicles, to whom he shall give the location of such accident and a description of the dog. Violation of any provision of this section shall be an infraction. No operator shall be convicted under the provisions of subsection (b) of section 14-224 when such operator has caused injury or death to a dog.
http://www.cga.ct.gov/2005/pub/Chap248.htm#Sec14-226.htm

Abuse of A Facebook Message

(If you can't read the picture, click on it and it'll get really big)

I don't even know what to say to this. I mean don't you need a Facebook in order to post. And then lets be honest, do you really need to say "Beffy says WOOF WOOF (happy birthday in doggy language)". Where to begin.

First off, I just hope Beffy's a dog, cause if she isn't thats pretty awkward. Second, and this is kind of contingent on the first part, who names their dog Beffy. It's a stupid name, there I said it. If you're reading this, and your dog's name is Beffy, feel free to have it sue me for slander. Or better yet, defamation of character.

Why does Beffy actually need to say "WOOF WOOF" in the message. Why couldnt Mom & Dad simply have said, "It appears that our dog with the stupid name misses you." Because let's be honest mysterious Facebook ad girl, your dog doesn't know its your birthday.

So in conclusion, I came across this little tidbit while not finishing some presentation at 4:45am, and hopefully this is the only time it will be up for display.

Stay tuned next week for another edition of stupid people doing stupid things.

Parking

I am a slave to a parking meter. It gets hungry every two hours and I hate it.

When I started feeding the beast at 7:00am, I had this dream that I kept getting parking tickets for $58.16. I don't know what this means, and I am also rapidly running out of quarters. Parking in the District is no fun.

The Washington Post Post

This is something I saw on Tuesday's Washington Post, page A10:

Menthol Cigarettes Harder to Give Up
Smokers of menthol cigarettes find it harder to quit than those smoking other cigarettes, researchers said yesterday, perhaps explaining why African Americans suffer disproportionately from smoking-related ailments.

I don't know why it took me so long to post this, I guess I had a lot of other things that I needed to be doing, but I just think this is absolutely rediculous. For one thing, I am pretty amazed that something like that can get published today.

That's pretty much all I'm going to say about that. Just read the paragraph and contemplate.

The Dead Bird Post

See, I told you.

Anyways, today I was having lunch outside Cosi (in truth, I had bought a Potbelly's sandwich and ate it outside Cosi...so sue me Potbelly's outside is under construction) when the weirdest thing happened to me. A bird fell right out of the sky about two feet in front of me and hit the ground with a dull thwack. The bird appeared to try to lift its wing, but then it just died.

It was very depressing.

The oddest part was that nobody noticed. There were people sitting around me, and I think that though they may have heard the bird hit the ground, they either didn't realize what it was or didn't care. Nobody on the sidewalk noticed either, and just naturally walked around it.

There was one guy that noticed it. He was on a cell phone and glanced down at the bird--probably by happenstance, and quickly did a double take. Is this something people see so often that they become desensitized to it? Oh look, there's another dead bird on the street. Ok. That's all I'm writing on this.

Marcy's Playground

Just something I thought of while looking at other people's music:

Why is Sex and Candy the only song by Marcy's Playground that anyone has?

Package Services, you are what the French call Les Incompetens.

So I stole the title of this post from a GW Facebook group. And most likely spelled Incompetens wrong. What of it?

Oh Package Services, you never cease to amaze me with your ability to suck.

This well-oiled machine might be the biggest example of bureaucratic rediculousness ever.
Example 1: The new system they have in place. At the end of last year, Package Services said that they would be instituting a new system to expedite the line and getting your shit. The only thing they now do differently is: where there used to be chairs around the outer wall is where the line now snakes around. THATS THE ONLY THING THEY DO DIFFERENTLY.

Example 2: The 3 hour delay with email notification. So when Package services sends you an email that your package has arrived, you are supposed to wait 3 hours for processing and for it to actually show up. Why? When the package gets here, does it go somewhere besides package services? Okay, well maybe they just have to sort through it for 3 hours to put it in the right place. Here's a novel idea. Wait 3 hours before sending out the email. Put a delay on it if its automatic or something, cause that's just ridiculous. What a tease. Yeah, your package is here, but you can't have it yet.

You fucks, Package Services.

Stay tuned for my next diatribe on why the new Facebook feed should die. Done.

Quick Update

The chick just stuck her head out of the room for a sec, for whatever reason.

She totally was a hooker.

Sex.

I am currently at my hotel in Florida, on the public computer, which is on the first floor apparnetly next to some rooms. Mind you, I'm just doing some harmless facebook like stuff. Low and behold I hear a yelp coming from behind me. Didn't think anything of it, maybe someone stubbed her toe or something. Except then it happened again a minute later. And then again a few seconds later. Thats a lot of toe stubbing I think to myself. Wait a second. There's sex happening in the room directly behind me.

And the most disturbing thing is not that this woman is moaning quite audibly behind me. I feel bad for the guy. It sounds so fake. I've stayed at this hotel before. The walls are not thin. It is not that easy to hear into the room. So logic dictates that the bitch is screaming, and it is my personal belief that if she really was having that much goodness, she wouldn't be screaming like the $25 hooker she is.

This elderly Indian family just walked behind me into their room, presumably next to the sex room. In the middle of a moaning spat. I feel really bad, because the woman just had a downright disgusted look on her face and the guy was like oh...not again.

Florida

I am currently in Florida, land of ridiculous concepts and bad drivers. Hey, lets put both of these together, says one company, and let's see what happens. Enter Rent-n-Roll, your local full service rim and tire rental store. I wish I was making this shit up. Too poor to actually buy a nice car with sick rims? Now you can take those same sick rims and put them on your piece of shit car! I really wish I was making this up, because it is so fucking ridiculous.

Who does this, I mean honestly. I think this is one of the worst concepts of a business I have ever seen, and the worst part? I'm sure they will be doing great business down here.

You know what else I noticed. I was lying in bed with my eyes closed, and my Dad was surfing channels, and stopped on Springer for a second. All that show is is one person in the audience screaming whatever his or her heart desires, and the entire rest of the audience picking up on it. Like a cult or something. The topic, and people on stage are merely a catalyst into this groupthink.

All for now. More to come later, I'm sure.

Redneck Home Videos

Sometimes the best things in life are found by channel surfing. In an attempt to out do Bob Saget at his own game, the South has created their own version of America's Funniest Home Videos. Except its called Country Fried Home Videos. The show is on none other than CMT and I almost breezed right by it.


I tuned into it right at the beginning of a segment that consisted mainly of kids falling off sheep in what appeared to be Rodeo Lite. That's right ladies and gentlemen, there's this thing where people put their children on aggrivated sheep and allow them to run wild.

There are times when one thinks that perhaps redneck stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. Maybe they don't all have 8 million assorted rusted hulks on their combined lawns. Maybe they do have all their teeth. Maybe they don't take their kids to sheep rodeos. So much for old notions falling by the wayside.

Am I the only person who thinks that this is absolutely re-god-damed-diculous? I had no idea that this kind of thing existed. I mean its just so...arcane. I will admit, though, this little activity does make for some quality photographs. The expressions of these kids are priceless.

There was one final piece about a man stuck in this kid's toy pickup truck (looked like a cozy coupe), unable to get out. First off, he got his kid a mini pickup truck, and second of all he got in his kids mini pickup truck. On top of this, the commentary was that he shouldn't have bought a foreign pickup truck, and if he had bought American he wouldn't have that problem. This show is rediculous.

Unfortunately, this was the last segment of Redneck Home Videos, so I didn't get to see any other entertaining stuff except for the host, sitting in this southern restaurant (I don't want to call it a diner, because those are unique to the northeast, specifically Long Island and New Jersey) yelling at the waitress for his check. I think I really like this show so much because you're not laughing with this guy, you're laughing at him.

And now...your moment of zen:

I thought of this in the car on the way home

Do you think KY Jelly lube was invented in Kentucky?

Think about it.

What a shitshow.

What a shitshow. I don't know why it took me so long to post it, but last weekend was pretty much one of the best weekends of the summer. I was in the city all weekend, and I think that Saturday was probably the highlight of the weekend. After a few drinks (and dinner) at Leah's restaurant, Leah, Camille, and I headed over to the bar ontop of The Hotel Gansevoort, a very swanky hotel in the meatpacking district (on 9th Ave b/t W 13th and W 14th).

Besides having incredably overpriced drinks (try $15 for a cocktail) and being very hard to get into (don't even try to get in if you're a guy and have less than three girls in tow), the bar has incredable views and is a great little lounge type area--if you can afford it.

The VIP Area

So one of Leah's guys--who she admitted was a dousche bag, and was only hanging out with him cause he would pay for us tonight--said that he was getting a table and we could go there. Now before you say, hey I can't believe that bitch would do something like that, he was a complete shit and deserved much worse than Leah sucking it up to hang out with him for a limited time. Sitting up in the VIP area with bottle service, the guy ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's. What a trashy New Jersey shit. Me and Jack Daniels hang out in my friend's unfinished basement, not in a swanky NY bar where bottle service costs upwards of $250.

On top of that, the table orders a rather large number of mohitos. I must have had 7 or 8 myself. The place was alright, but as soon as the booze finished, Leah's not really guy (who was trashed) was becoming an ever increasing schmuck, so we left, and went across the street (I think) to the Gaslight--a rather much less uptight bar. I had a nice buzz going when we left the Gansevoort, but I was very much put together. Enter the shitshow.

If you know me, you know that one of my maxims is a might with Jager is a night that is not going to end quietly. With tequila, you wake up the next morning and say "What the hell did I do last night?" With Jagermeister, you wake up and think, "Why the hell did I do that last night?" Try it sometime, you'll see my wisdom.

We're inside the Gaslight taking shots of I don't even know what. Jager, SoCo & Lime, god knows what else. I had a couple beers too, just to top it off. This girl that came with us from the Gansevoort started dancing with me and I started dancing back. Well to be more specific, she started grinding up against my peen squad. Like a fucking idiot, and I assume it was the Jager talking, we made out on the dance floor for a while, until I realized that Cami and Leah were outside, and I was probably about to get abused by Cami. So without so much as a goodbye, I walked outside, where I just got the look of what the fuck were you doing. Conveniently I gave back the look of Wow, I'm really drunk.

Leah says shes leaving, and Cami and I catch a cab back uptown. I promptly passed out in the cab, got up, got into the elevator, passed out in the elevator, and managed to comment that we probably werent having sex that night, got back to the room, and passed out again. For the night.

The next morning I woke up to Camille actually being quite sick (not from drinking) but throwing up regardless, and with what was possbily the worst hangover of my life. I couldn't think it hurt so bad. And the first thing that came to my mind: What the hell was I thinking last night?

Overall, a very successful night indeed.

My Grandma

Has cancer. It doesn't look good.

I stole this.

This is the second of what I'm sure will be many entriese about how my job sucks. It pretty accurately describes my day today.


From www.toothpastefordinner.com

Today has been so worthless.

I did nothing of substance tody at work. My brain has been in neutral all, and I also did quite a bit of bitch work.

But it's ok. Matty Wein stopped by randomly and we had lunch. That took my mind off the boredom, at least temporarily.

So I was doing my hours for today, and I was having a really hard time accounting for all of them. Then I realize thats because I spend so much time on facebook and reading the Times. Oh yeah, and I also wrote this.

The best night of a while.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Though I received some news to damper the evening--specifically about some bitch roomate whos frontin'--all in all, my night was quite quality.

Andy Chase came down (or up, depending) and hung out with me for a couple hours. We hung out, I showed him Ridgefield (he had never been to Connecticut before) and then we shot the shit for quite some time. Seeing friends from school is always something I really enjoy, because I get to see them outside of the confines of our natural environment--a particularly rediculous freshman dorm. So we hung out, caught up and what not, then unfortunately he had to depart, to continue the trek back home from his lake house in upstate New York.

This however did not put an end to my evening. Shortly thereafter I went out to my friends house, where what I understood to be a small get together quickly turned into a party. It was great, seeing all the people that I had not seen in quite some time, catching up, and most importantly, drinking. Its an interesting experience being out of the loop for so long (such as myself) and then jumping back into the party. After the initial hellos and whatnot, its like you never left. Honestly, everyone looked genuinely so happy to see me that I was truly touched.

Well enough of this brief foray into my emotions and onto bigger and better things. More to come.

An Aside: I was pretty drunk when I wrote this.

My Super Sweet 16!

Oh how I love MTV's My Super Sweet 16. Say what you will about it, but I personally believe that this is a great piece of social commentary on our country. As the rich get richer, the poor stay where they are.

Each season of My Super Sweet 16 gets more extravagant, and the girls more bitchy. Is this because they want to top last seasons bunch of spoiled brats, or are they generally just girls that you really want to go up and smack in the face? Sometimes I think the former, because if I was the dad of one of these kids, i would clamp down hard on the mother fucker. And you notice how they always have the overprotective older brother (well, not always, only Italian families) who tries to be the biggest dousche bag possible. No, you can't dance with him, because he might impregnate you that way then I'ma have to crack him in the jaw. Oh what a delightful show.

What a perfect segue into my next point. The car. Every spoiled bitch on the show needs to get a car at her party, or--and I'm quoting directly from the show--"It will ruin my party". This segment is my favorite, because it shows that not only are these girls incredably spoiled, but they lack any sense of class whatsoever. (I'm personally a big fan of any word that is combined of three or more words, heretofor, insofar, but alas, I digress.) Every biggity bitch on the show wants--and gets--a brand new BMW, usually a 3 series but sometimes taking a foray into the X5. If your family actually made enough money to support your outlandish party, then you would know that a 3 series beamer is kind of a starter car, something people who can't afford a proper mortgage payment buy then think they're such hot shit that they're king of the road. You're not, but well get into you later.

Rich girl who can have any car she wants: Don't get a BMW. If you're that rich, get a Mercedes SL55 AMG, or an Audi S4, or I don't know...a livery driver. Have your dad get you a Maybach and then be like bitch, I'm not driving this a day in my life. Gonzales, get in the car and take me to get a boob-job. That will show all those other spoiled rich girls.

Talking about spoiled rich girls--and you can tell I get really into this by the length of this entry--I love when they don't get what they want and freak the fuck out. Keep in mind that the following situation was real, and in an episode. A girl, I can't remember her name, wanted a Circ de Soleil theme, and have people swinging from the roof. This was in a hotel banquet hall. The hotel manager, who was taking them around stated that they couldn't have people hanging from the ceiling, because it couldn't support it, and there was the possibility that if they did that, then the entire ceiling would come down. This girl started balling, ran away, and says to the camera "I don't know why the hotel won't just let me have people in trapeses at my party". Are you fucking serious? Because the roof would cave in.

Or my other personal favorite, this girl's mom tells her that she can't stay out at her friend's house in the valley, but she goes anyway. Mom retaliates by canceling the girl's credit card--the one that her parents pay for. Girl freaks out and calls Dad saying that she has no way to continue shopping and that she's defenseless and pennyless. Hmmm, you essentially run away, and all that happens is that your mom cancels your credit card. That you don't even pay for. Shut the fuck up, and try working at minimum wage for like 15 minutes before you freak out and commit suicide.

This show is just so fun to look at and laugh.

Ripped from the headlines

Today, the Ridgefield Fire Department got their first chance to use their brand new Ladder Truck. Originally purchased in the 1980's, the truck has laid dormant, waiting for the four-alarm fire, or stranded child in room that it was intended for.

The fiasco today in front of town hall was none of those, as a cat was stuck in a tree. Main Street had to be shut down for upwards of two hours during the evening rush hour commute, as the Firefighters first had to figure out how to use to ladder system on the truck, then get up the guts to actually go up and retrieve the car.

Of the seven man crew, six played 21st finger to see who had to make the trek up the ladder. The seventh disqualified himself on the grounds of a heart condition.

Fire commisioner Gordon exclaimed the dauting 31-foot cat rescue "a stunning success" and hoped "it wouldn't be another 25 years until this piece of equiptment was able to be used again."

Mischa Lewis, the cat's owner, was mortified that her cat, Skippy, was stuck up there so long. "I was just taking Skippy for a stroll down Main Street, when she darted away and scaled the tree," she exclamed. When asked what she was doing walking her cat, Ms. Lewis quickly fled the scene. The tree's spokesman declined to comment on the matter.

When asked if the Fire Department should have just waited until after rush hour to retrieve the cat, Mark Waltham, a 37 year old South Salem, NY resident believed that they should have just shot the cat, and let traffic continue. Many others agreed.

This marks the sixth time that Skippy has been stuck in a tree, according to Ms. Lewis. The first four, an ordinary ladder was able to be used to retrieve her, and on the fifth encounter, a local neighbor simply shook the tree branch until Skippy fell out. "Maybe she just doesn't like being close to me," Ms. Lewis exclaimed about Skippy's frequent climbing attempts. We can't blame the cat.

Hey you European car

I really enjoy how the big 3 American car companies are buying up European brands like its their job. Maybe its because we Americans have lost faith in our big car companies, so they have to add reliable, classy European brands to garner some credability. There has been a trend for American commercials to emphasize their European brands.

For example, all the American brands in the Daimler-Chrysler family have been showing off their new and improved features due to German Engineering. Ford has a commercial out now about how safe their cars are because of Volvo, the safest car in the world. And GM, oh GM, you would love to point out that you hold several European brands too, but you've turned them into piece of shit American cars already, haven't you.

Don't you find it a little odd that you don't see a Volvo commercial emphasizing their new roll-over reduced Bridgestone tires thanks to their 'parnership' (read:ownership) with Ford? Or how great Mercedes new generation of automobiles are now that they can draw from the Town & Country minivan?

I guess the point is, hey big 3, stop leeching on your European subsidaries, maybe if you started building good cars, you wouldn't need to.

[End of Rant]

Teen Cell Phone Ring

I recently discovered a new cell phone ring that is being used by teens--mostly in England--that cannot be heard by most adults. It is mainly being used to text other students in class, when one isn't supposed to be using the cell phone. Apparently it does work, but some adults can hear it. Can you? Click here to find out.

Off to bed. Just got back from Florida and I'm exhausted and hate working. The good news is that this week is only 3 days. Is it Friday yet?

Hire a new Ad Agency

I saw this billboard on the back of a bus today at work. I actually find it really amusing.



Now most of the ad does make good sense. The Connecticut DOT wants you being safe, and wants you to pay attention in work zones. Personally, I think the "Let them work, let them live" campaign was much better, but thats me.

The thing that irks me about this particular advert is the secondary phrase--the one that reads "It could be your rear end". This makes absolutely no sense. If you and aren't looking where you're going , and the car behind you is going real slow, wouldn't it be the front car's rear end?

The only possible way it could be your rear end if you 'zone out' while driving is if you stop short, and the person behind you doesnt notice and they plow in to you. Perhaps the billboard should read: "Make sure the person behind you is awake and alert, or it could be your rear end". That much more catchy than the original.

I'm ready for this week to be over.

Social Climbers

Have you noticed how a lot of people will put a European style licence plate on the front of their car because they think it makes them look cooler--better than you perhaps. Why is it a European plate, not an European plate, but alas, I digress.

I have found that the type that does this generally will never go to Europe, and that they're social climbers, because Europe is supposed to be higher class than us. Which is understandable because when one thinks of Europe, one conjures images of tea parties and other extravagent affairs. America...pick-up trucks and fried chicken. I was driving to work today and I saw a yellow Hummer H2 with a European style plate in front.

Oh the ironies of this, I thought to myself. If someone on that side of the pond could afford the gas for that thing--when I was in England it was about 90p per liter or $9 a gallon. So I'm a rich bloke living in jolly old England, and the way I choose to show off my money is to drive a big graceless H2. I think I'll just stick with a nice Astin Martin or something. And the middle class can't afford it because they don't have the cash to pay $9 for every 11 miles they drive. No, you will find no Hummers in Europe.

This car in the garage where I park at work has one of those fake European plates on the front. Its a new Audi A6. And you know what, thats ok. Because they drive Audis over there. And those Audis dont have American plates. So I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

So the point of this post is: hey retarded H2 driver, take that fake foreign plate off your car. Actually keep the plate and get a new car. The H2 is a complete disaster, and for all its huge giganticness, it can still only hold 5 people.

Great, I just wrote this entire thing about something completely irrelevant. Stay tuned next week for why I get such a kick out of MTV's My Super Sweet 16.

Dennis Leary has a gigantic nose.

I'm watching Rescue Me, and it just happened to be something i noticed.

My mom is a huge gossip. Its not entirely like we didn't see this coming. Long Island Jew, im pretty sure she was a big deal growing up. She was bantering with her friends about this minor thing that anybody who was a guy would have dismissed just like that, and it blew up into a gigantic deal. I got a really big kick out of it, being the jerk I am.

People are always talking about the spice of life. Whatever it is, I don't have it right now. Continuing on with this food analogy, my life is about on par with Boston Chicken chicken. Delish. I go to work, where I do extremely challenging (sarcasm) bullshit work--I guess being the intern, thats my role. I go home, so exhausted from doing this menial shit work that I don't even go out and see my friends. I know I have them, friends that is, I just havent seen them in a while.

I'm really impressed with the new Volkswagen commercial for the Rabbit. Well executed.

On a similar thought line to Dennis Leary, I just watched a new Vin Diesel commercial. He has hair in it, and on a scale of one to looking like a goofy motherfucker, he completely looks like a goofy motherfucker.

All for now.

Signs I need to get more sleep #271

Last night, I fell asleep on the couch at around 8:00. I figured that this would only be a short nap, but it turns out that I was asleep until 3:50 this morning, when I got up, did about 5 minutes of work then put on The Bourne Supremacy on Cinemax onDemand. I watched it for a soild hour (and then some), before falling back asleep, and not easily getting up this morning for work at 8:10. 3 cups of coffee later, and I'm ready to tackle the day.

I drove to work today competely on auto-pilot. I realized this about 10 minutes in, when I noticed that instead of going to work (in Stamford), my car was about to get on 116 (to the high school). Oops. I guess that's sign #272.

What a disaster

I was driving to Long Island yesterday, to go visit some friends from school. Yes, I tend to drive slightly above the speed limit sometimes, and yes, this may have been one of those chance. So I get pulled over by a Westchester County cop right where 684 turns into the Hutch, and he pulls me over. Civil enough guy, he discovers soon enough that my registration has expired in October and my car will presently be impounded until i re-register my car. Shit. And on top of that, he still gave me the speeding ticket. So my day on tuesday (The DMV is closed mondays) is as follows: Go to the CT DMV to get my car registered. $115. Go to the Westchester County Police Headquarters to get a slip to release my car. Free. Go to the yard and pick up my car, paying for 3 days of overnight storage and the towing fee. About $150. Getting a ticket for expired registration and 75 in a 55 on the same day. Priceless.

Last night, I went to a gentleman's club theme party. The guys wear oxford shirt, tie, jacket, etc. to look like they just got off from their white collar job (perhaps a bit descheveled), and the girls dress like sluts. It was a lot of fun.

I'm watching the History Channel right now, and the show just changed from something about mega disasters to something else about hell and satan. I didn't even know that the show changed for a second because it had the same announcer with the exact same inflections and tone of voice. I wonder if this guy does all the shows on the History Channel. This hell show is pretty fucked up. Especially because the narrator just said "Death...the great equalizer." Yay Jews for not having hell.

So, I have to take the train to work tomorrow, not entirely pleased about that. Well, I guess I had it coming.

More later...

Things I find Humorous

So I work for a marketing firm, and one of the things they were having me do is collate names from local affiliates of several networks in key markets. Anyways, I'm doing Chicago, and low and behold, Mike Ditka is on staff for ABC Chicago. He's their 'American Football Commentator'. I find that humorous.

I was also trying to find magazines for a distribution media list, and I came across these two publications. This is the actual description that is given for each magazine:

“The Nye Lubeletter" (monthly newsletter)
Launched in 1972. Private newsletter published by Nye Lubricants and dedicated exclusively to synthetic lubricants. Application focused, it contains articles that show how synthetic lubricants are being used in a broad range of industries, such as corporate, automotive, corrugator, and gear. Is perhaps the oldest, continuously published, private newsletter dedicated exclusively to synthetic lubricants. Nye gets involved by making lubrication news, writing technical articles for trade magazines, offering seminars and technical conferences, and attending trade shows and other events sponsored by those in the industry.

“Studio PMC" (precious Metal Clay guild) (quartly magazine)
A publication devoted entirely to silver clay. Includes a gallery of work, interesting stories, responses to issues in the field and answers to technical questions

“The Improper Bostonian” (monthly magazine)
Written for the active and affluent individuals who live and work in and around Boston. Offers information on the lifestyles, arts and entertainment news in the Boston area. Provides event, restaurant, nightlife, shopping and city activity information.

These are legitimate publications that thousands of people subscribe to. It warms my heart to think that people read such nonsensical drivel. Kinda makes you wonder what else they read...

Talking about work, I've been working with excel files a lot recently, so much so that I had a dream about them the other night. As a matter of fact I dreamed that I was trapped in one. Right afterwards, I had a dream that I was trying to take a picture of a butterfly that was flying in my house, and every Iime i tried to take a picture of it, the butterfly grew larger. Your move Freud.

It rained like a banshee tonight. That was rather unfun. More tomorrow, though no promises on how coherent it will be.

You stay classy, San Diego.

Sunday drivers.

Have you ever been driving, not really paying attention to what you're doing, and all of a sudden...You realize it. The perfect shift. Now, if you've never driven standard, or never driven it well, then you have no idea what I'm talking about. It's not often that it happens, and you can't force it consciously, but you know after you did it. Its just when you're almost part of the car, completely smooth shift, quick, effortless, if you're not driving, you don't even notice the shift. I had one of those today. It was downright amazing. I'm just driving, listening to music, then I shift and it just hits me. That was perfect. It was a really quality moment. So you know, I try and repeat it, and you can't. It's not something that can be forced.

28 Days Later

So I'm watching 28 Days Later while I write this...Hence the name of the post.

Since I came back from school, I've been having this general notion that either I've changed or somehow Ridgefield has. One of my friends put it best when she said that you just have to come to terms with the fact that after you leave the room, people are going to talk shit about you. By the time I finished writing this, I already got over it.

I really want to have a cocktail party somewhere. And it would be really classy, you wouldn't be let in unless you were wearing a full suit or a cocktail or dress. Classy drinks would be served like martinis, ______ and tonic, high balls, et al. The whole thing would be a very high brow affair, and I personally think it would be an excellent endeavor to pursue.

More to come.

The Cliche first post

There was this one kid in my poly sci class that was never awake. I honestly feel the kid slept more than he was awake in that class. It was really humorous to watch. The unfortunate aspect is that the class had only around 25 students, so it was generally pretty apparent that he was asleep. Especially when he was doing the head bob thing...you know the up and down movent your body makes your head do when it's trying to avoid sleep. The sad thing is the professor never said anything. I always felt bad for that guy--he was the nicest guy in the world, and this kid would continually disrespect him. If the prof was an ass it would be a completely different story.

I really enjoy the new Cingular commercials that state "we have less dropped calls than anyone else". You really have to respect a company that steps to the front of the pack and says "We suck less then the other guy". It's definately an innovative marketing approach.