Ben and Jerry's decides against 'Mother's Milk' flavored Ice Cream

I wonder who in PETA (that's the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) decided that it would be a good idea to send a letter to Ben and Jerry (formerly of Ben & Jerry's, now of Unilever) suggesting that they completely transition from cow milk to breast milk.  Either they completely didn't think this through (possible) or its just a publicity stunt to get PETA back in the news (probable).

Let's think about this for a second.  First off, let's talk logistics before we delve into the slightly more ludicrous.  Cows provide us with roughly 8 gallons of milk a day.  People produce 40 oz a day--at most.  So for every cow, we'd need nearly 26 women producing at maximum capacity just to equal what a cow averages every day.  Two questions arise:  where would we get these droves of lactating women, and what should they do during the roughly--I don't even know how long it takes to milk a cow (or a person), but that long.

I can imagine gigantic milking facilities, fully stocked with Us Weekly and As The World Turns and I must say, I can imagine how GreenPeace would get pretty angry about that.  The carbon emissions from such a gigantic human milking factory must certainly outweigh the benefits of drinking human milk.

More importantly, ewww.  I already had human milk, and you know what, I kicked that habit years ago.  Maybe because it's gross.  Do the PETA people drink breast milk?  If so, where do they get it from?  And I'm not talking about formula, because you can't make ice cream with formula.

That brings up a new point.  With all these mothers producing flat out to provide Ben and Jerry's with top quality product, what about the children?  Presumably they can't outbid Ben and Jerry's--I mean they're owned by Unilever for Christ sakes--so I'd say its a fair assumption to say that they'd only get second-rate reject milk.  And you know what, that's just not fair.

Could you imagine the baby riots that would occur as a result of this?  "We're not second class citizens" they'd say.  If we oppressed them with sub-par formula, and poor quality breast milk, eventually they'd rise up, probably violently.  And then the uprising would have to be put down, which means babies would end up getting hurt, or worse killed.

And then there would be outrage.  And it would be directed at the politicians who authorized the use of force.  Against babies.  Which means that they would either a. get kicked out of office and be replaced by people whose campaign would be 'baby milk is for babies' or b. institute some kind of Human Milk in Ice Cream ban to save their jobs.  Regardless we'd be right back to cow milk and the net change would be zero.  Except for those poor, needlessly murdered babies

See, PETA, I can come up with ridiculous and outlandish concepts too!

From: AdAge or

Read the original PETA press release