My aesthetic personal has always leaned toward unnecessary necessities; firmly defined as the design points that are superfluous in existence and utterly indispensable. This includes but is not limited to warehouses, improbable shelving, stacks and stacks of books circa 1918, oversized antique French globes, perhaps some vintage rope… to name a few.
As I was combing through back issues of the New York Times, yes I think that is a thing, I stumbled across an article explaining on how Blanche, i speculate she has a real name, has a secret passage. My immediate thoughts jumped between “why don’t I have a secret passage,” “where would it go “and most pressing “why the hell does Blanche have a secret passage and I don’t.”
Blanche’s abode is on the market for $2.25 million and is listed with Brown Harris Stevens. It is a modest three bedroom on a pleasant block off of 1st avenue, although probably not hopping enough for the below sixty set.
In the pantry however was a door disguised as a spice rack. This led to of all things a bathroom. Unfortunately there is no secret lair, no treasure of Al Capone, not even a shrine to Betty White.
The reasons for Blanche having a secret bathroom are probably much more mundane than sinister, and more practical than awesome.
The obvious next question is where my secret passage would go. Similar to my other ideas it gravitates to this concept of entering an undersized door into an oversized room that you didn’t really comprehend existed because spatial relations can be hard sometimes and is sparsely lit and industrially decorated. With all time I would inevitably spend there a bathroom would be both functional and appropriate. And it’s always great for resale value…
References:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/13/realestate/13deal2.html?_r=1&partner=rss&emc=rss
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
High Speed Stimulus Money
So I was reading this article in the New York Times today about how Republicans aren't going to want federally funded public works projects in their states. The article specifically mentioned the Florida governor's office examining whether it should accept $2.4 billion (with a B) in federal stimulus money to build a high-speed rail line from Tampa to Orlando. And of course who could forget New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turning down $3 billion from the federal Department of Transportation to update the only tunnel connecting NJ Transit to Manhattan as well as to build a new one.
You know what? Good. Don't take our stupid money. Give it to the Washington Metro System so that millions of ignorant tourists can finally stand to the left on functional escalators, and fewer trains plow into the back of other trains. Give the money to the MTA (like they need more money) so the terribly rundown Connecticut Metro-North cars can get an update (and so we can keep the bar car). So that they can take back that really just plan unnecessary 10% price increase they just instituted.
No but don't invest in our infrastructure. Because pretty soon we'll all be driving over bridges on the verge of collapse.
"Subsidize me!"
You know what? Good. Don't take our stupid money. Give it to the Washington Metro System so that millions of ignorant tourists can finally stand to the left on functional escalators, and fewer trains plow into the back of other trains. Give the money to the MTA (like they need more money) so the terribly rundown Connecticut Metro-North cars can get an update (and so we can keep the bar car). So that they can take back that really just plan unnecessary 10% price increase they just instituted.
No but don't invest in our infrastructure. Because pretty soon we'll all be driving over bridges on the verge of collapse.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Bullshit Economic Indicators
Economics is a constantly adapting and field of study, which is one of the reasons it remains consistently relevant. After reading half a Freakonomics article and carrying around a copy of today's Financial Times for most of the day, I've declared myself capable of creating new and exciting bullshit economic indicators. Before we go on, in the interest of disclosure, I feel compelled to point out that these indicators do have an overwhelmingly shallow, heterosexual bias.
Cost of Good Sex (COGS)
Generally considered a lagging indicator, COGS is designed to accurately predict the amount of capital investment required for a given level of sex with a girl of varying hotness. The blue line clearly indicates a male skew.
The main takeaway here is this: Girl Hotness is dependent on dollars spent. The more dollars spent the hotter girl you will be able to take home. And research clearly shows that girl hotness is perfectly aligned with quality of sex.
The lower the organic desire to have sex, the higher a man has to be to overcome the sex threshold. For example with a low innate desire to have sex, one would have to be a Ryan Reynolds type to overcome the threshold.
As intrinsic desire increases, the minimum male hotness threshold decreases, allowing for a broader (and generally more unfortunate) range of possibilities. The curve does straighten out at the end because let's be honest, we all have our minimum standards of acceptability. It's interesting to note that this model does survive the alcohol test, though more research is required to see if intoxication simply causes a move down the curve or makes the entire curve shift downwards.
(All infographics courtest of MS Paint. Concepts and data adapted from "Fundamental Methods of Mathematical Economics", Wainwright and Chiang, 2004.)
Cost of Good Sex (COGS)
Generally considered a lagging indicator, COGS is designed to accurately predict the amount of capital investment required for a given level of sex with a girl of varying hotness. The blue line clearly indicates a male skew.
The main takeaway here is this: Girl Hotness is dependent on dollars spent. The more dollars spent the hotter girl you will be able to take home. And research clearly shows that girl hotness is perfectly aligned with quality of sex.
The curve does flatten out (similar to the PPC below) based on the diminishing return of increased investment.
There are externalities that could push the COGS curve downward such as male unattractiveness and overall douschiness which would decrease the upper limit of girl hotness. Overwhelming male hotness or other positive externalities could push the curve to the up, decreasing COGS overall. Please note: this model becomes wildly unstable in cases of intoxication.
Penis Possibilities Curve (PPC)
For women. This leading indicator accurately predicts the minimum hotness threshold of a for a girl to go home with him based on her independent desire to have sex.
As intrinsic desire increases, the minimum male hotness threshold decreases, allowing for a broader (and generally more unfortunate) range of possibilities. The curve does straighten out at the end because let's be honest, we all have our minimum standards of acceptability. It's interesting to note that this model does survive the alcohol test, though more research is required to see if intoxication simply causes a move down the curve or makes the entire curve shift downwards.
(All infographics courtest of MS Paint. Concepts and data adapted from "Fundamental Methods of Mathematical Economics", Wainwright and Chiang, 2004.)
Friday, January 07, 2011
The Importance of Customer Service in the Medical Profession
Have you realized recently that the medical profession has downright atrocious customer service? As a people-oriented service-intensive industry, one would think that medical professionals would provide a pretty high level of customer service. You know, like the service industry does. As it turns out, this is patently false.
In the real world (which includes basically every industry known to man except healthcare), when the vendor shits the bed, they need to perform some kind of service recovery to retain business. This could be for defective products, bad advice, long waits, incorrectly listed price, the list goes on. When I worked in hospitality, we gave shit away all the time to upset guests. Because we not only cared about how they viewed us, but we cared about their level of happiness.
If you look at the below graph, you will see that the medical sector performs basically zero service recoveries. (Note: this was created using conclusive, peer-reviewed data.)
Think about it for a second. What other industry would you be expected to wait upwards of an hour after your scheduled appointment as standard practice? Where else is it remotely acceptable for your vendor to refer to you in the third person when you are literally right in front of him?
How is this possible? Brainstorming rationally, we can come up with these hypotheses:
Also, MDs clearly aren't broke. Let's stereotype for a second, and assume that all doctors drive new Mercedes-Benzes and play golf on Wednesdays. And although we know that not all of them drive Mercedes, we know that they can afford them. So they can clearly afford to hire and pay competent staff. Furthermore, if doctors did not make a substantial amount of money, we would expect to see a drop in applications at Medical schools nationwide. In fact, the inverse is happening.
Therefore we prove the null hypothesis and are left with the incontrovertible fact that your doctor doesn't give a shit about you. And furthermore, because we know that the barrier to switch in the healthcare industry is low, we can iterate out that every doctor doesn't give a shit about you. Let me illustrate:
As you can see here, Doctor Cost of Giving a Shit (COGS) has a perfectly inverse relationship with how much free time said doctor has. And, if I could draw your attention back to Chart #1, there's no monetary cost for not giving a shit. Ceteris paribus, doctors can minimize COGS by providing the minimum care and maximum free time. It's economics.
This graph illustrates another reason why doctors have no incentive to improve their customer service. For our purposes, pressure to improve means pressure by superiors. Before I explain this graph, let's ponder on this scene from Office Space:
The problem is that doctors' bosses are almost always doctors. And you know what that means? They don't give a shit about your customer experience either--as long as you don't a. kill anyone, b. get sued, or c. get them sued.
So how can we rectify this? Must we incentivize medical pay based on something other than the number of tests that they run on you? It could be almost like a tip based system that servers get. Based on your bill of tests, you may elect to tip (which really means pay) your doctor up to 100% of what he currently makes. Suddenly the medical industry is now customer oriented. Just like the service industry. Just like it should be.
I understand that in order to become a medical doctor it requires something like seven years of schooling plus three years of residency, and that your social development has been retarded as a result. But you had, at the very least, 17 years to practice normal human interaction. And if you can't pick up something as simple as giving a shit in 17 years, what makes you think you can pick up this doctoring shit in 10?
In the real world (which includes basically every industry known to man except healthcare), when the vendor shits the bed, they need to perform some kind of service recovery to retain business. This could be for defective products, bad advice, long waits, incorrectly listed price, the list goes on. When I worked in hospitality, we gave shit away all the time to upset guests. Because we not only cared about how they viewed us, but we cared about their level of happiness.
If you look at the below graph, you will see that the medical sector performs basically zero service recoveries. (Note: this was created using conclusive, peer-reviewed data.)
Think about it for a second. What other industry would you be expected to wait upwards of an hour after your scheduled appointment as standard practice? Where else is it remotely acceptable for your vendor to refer to you in the third person when you are literally right in front of him?
How is this possible? Brainstorming rationally, we can come up with these hypotheses:
H0:This Medical Professional genuinely doesn't give a shit about your level of satisfaction with their service(There were other hypotheses, but I got lazy.) Let's go ahead and knock H1 and H2 out right now because they're clearly wrong. First of all, because we do not live on the moon (or in the middle of North Dakota), we have access to more than one doctor. And furthermore, the barriers to switch medical professionals (unless you have an HMO, which I don't and neither should you) are low.
H1:This Medical Professional has a monopoly on the market
H2:This Medical Professional can't afford to adequately staff his support team
Also, MDs clearly aren't broke. Let's stereotype for a second, and assume that all doctors drive new Mercedes-Benzes and play golf on Wednesdays. And although we know that not all of them drive Mercedes, we know that they can afford them. So they can clearly afford to hire and pay competent staff. Furthermore, if doctors did not make a substantial amount of money, we would expect to see a drop in applications at Medical schools nationwide. In fact, the inverse is happening.
Therefore we prove the null hypothesis and are left with the incontrovertible fact that your doctor doesn't give a shit about you. And furthermore, because we know that the barrier to switch in the healthcare industry is low, we can iterate out that every doctor doesn't give a shit about you. Let me illustrate:
As you can see here, Doctor Cost of Giving a Shit (COGS) has a perfectly inverse relationship with how much free time said doctor has. And, if I could draw your attention back to Chart #1, there's no monetary cost for not giving a shit. Ceteris paribus, doctors can minimize COGS by providing the minimum care and maximum free time. It's economics.
The problem is that doctors' bosses are almost always doctors. And you know what that means? They don't give a shit about your customer experience either--as long as you don't a. kill anyone, b. get sued, or c. get them sued.
So how can we rectify this? Must we incentivize medical pay based on something other than the number of tests that they run on you? It could be almost like a tip based system that servers get. Based on your bill of tests, you may elect to tip (which really means pay) your doctor up to 100% of what he currently makes. Suddenly the medical industry is now customer oriented. Just like the service industry. Just like it should be.
I understand that in order to become a medical doctor it requires something like seven years of schooling plus three years of residency, and that your social development has been retarded as a result. But you had, at the very least, 17 years to practice normal human interaction. And if you can't pick up something as simple as giving a shit in 17 years, what makes you think you can pick up this doctoring shit in 10?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
On Architectural Oversight and Aperitifs
In New York City, and I imagine part of the eastern seaboard, it had been snowing continuously for what seems to be no less than fifty-two hours. From what I saw out of window and from what the sushi delivery man relayed to me about the conditions, it is quite bad.
Despite Hector’s diatribe on city’s handling of the snow and the apparent conditions I decided to trek to the office today. After exiting the subway and walking down 53rd street past Park I was thankful to only almost fall no more than four times. Chelsea boots, although quite conducive to my normal assassin down the avenue, are not ideal for snowy pavement. Not really paying attention to anything as I was walking I approached my office building and stepped over a makeshift barrier of yellow caution tape as if that was normal and incredibly appropriate. I then looked around and I was surrounded by this tape and started to think why.
Conventional circumstances would probably cause someone to exit the area and examine the situation but I thought of it as prudent to observe from the inside out, not quite gonzo journalism but I think pretty close. It was then a large clump of snow came hurdling down and struck within the taped in area and exploded like an apache missile sending snow shrapnel in my direction.
I looked up and it was apparent what was happening. The architect clearly did not plan for the snow. Foolish and irresponsible, really. Everything is all in the details.
Let me explain.
My office building on Madison Avenue has a generous curve leading up to a 14th floor deck. From the 14th floor on the building straightens out and is perpendicular with the road. As the snow falls off the 14th floor deck it then hurdles down the ramp that is the curvature of the building and shuttles out into the splash zone.
I spent to long standing acting as a target for the snow. They don’t deserve that chance.
Anyway after finally arriving today it was apparent that I am the only person in the office. I turned on the lights, hung up my coat, and made myself a coffee. Sitting in my office sorting through emails, responding where appropriate, and turning on a copy of Rain Dogs by Tom Waits.
After a light lunch I turned to my bar and contemplated what I would make to drink. My home bar is meticulous arranged and plentiful. A cornucopia of vermouths, bitters, gins, scotch, rums, absinthes, velvet falernum, and most anything you could want. For late nights my bar in the office is appropriately stocked with miniature bottle versions of what I have at home.
Campari is an Italian vermouth with a deep, ruby red color and an appropriate amount of bitterness. The herbs in Campari and many types of vermouth are perfect for the aperitif. The aperitif is the first drink of the evening. It is how you should start not only a meal, but the night.
The aperitif is elegant. The aperitif is infinitely contemporary in its classicalness. The pre-dinner drink stimulates the appetite and conversations, what could be better. There is an implicit grace and civility in drinking with diligence and purpose. A traditional aperitif such as the Negroni is perfect. One drink is more than enough as you then venture on for a meal and have your pre dinner martini, followed by wine, followed by a glass of champagne with dessert, and a digestif.
The Negroni
• 2oz Plymouth Gin
• Slightly less than 2oz of Campari
• Slightly less than 2oz of Italian Vermouth (I enjoy Punt e Mes1 or a Rosso)
In a cocktail shaker pour all of the ingredients with a few ice cubes and stir gently. This melts a small part of the ice without diluting the drink. In a rocks glass chisel one large ice cube. Traditionally the Negroni is served with an orange but I prefer a lemon twist. Twist the lemon over the ice to release the natural oils and run along the rim of the glass. Pour the stirred ingredients over and serve. The large ice cube is perfect for the purpose of the aperitif as it does not dilute the drink but over the course of conversation where a drink may be neglected it will appropriately soften the drink.
Oh and here is some more of my novel/screenplay
I was not looking forward to going to India but I was surprised when I got there. Just the idea of how many shots you need and the malaria pills really upset me.
-I didn’t take any shots
You didn’t? And then you have to take Malaria pills too.
-Oh, I didn’t take mine
Well I didn’t take mine either but I at least had them with me. Michael took his the entire time and they gave him horrible nightmares.
- To be fair we did buy the pills on the street and the gentleman did inform us that the cheaper pills would give us nightmares.
And then at first you think that monkeys are so incredible and you see them up close, and then you start feeling competitive with the monkeys and you realize they don’t really have your best interest at heart.
1 Punt e Mes translates to "Point and a half," being about a point of sweetness and a half a point of bitterness. Halfway between Campari and Sweet Vermouth it is preferred for Negroni's adding a plesant savory bitterness
Despite Hector’s diatribe on city’s handling of the snow and the apparent conditions I decided to trek to the office today. After exiting the subway and walking down 53rd street past Park I was thankful to only almost fall no more than four times. Chelsea boots, although quite conducive to my normal assassin down the avenue, are not ideal for snowy pavement. Not really paying attention to anything as I was walking I approached my office building and stepped over a makeshift barrier of yellow caution tape as if that was normal and incredibly appropriate. I then looked around and I was surrounded by this tape and started to think why.
Conventional circumstances would probably cause someone to exit the area and examine the situation but I thought of it as prudent to observe from the inside out, not quite gonzo journalism but I think pretty close. It was then a large clump of snow came hurdling down and struck within the taped in area and exploded like an apache missile sending snow shrapnel in my direction.
I looked up and it was apparent what was happening. The architect clearly did not plan for the snow. Foolish and irresponsible, really. Everything is all in the details.
Let me explain.
My office building on Madison Avenue has a generous curve leading up to a 14th floor deck. From the 14th floor on the building straightens out and is perpendicular with the road. As the snow falls off the 14th floor deck it then hurdles down the ramp that is the curvature of the building and shuttles out into the splash zone.
I spent to long standing acting as a target for the snow. They don’t deserve that chance.
Anyway after finally arriving today it was apparent that I am the only person in the office. I turned on the lights, hung up my coat, and made myself a coffee. Sitting in my office sorting through emails, responding where appropriate, and turning on a copy of Rain Dogs by Tom Waits.
After a light lunch I turned to my bar and contemplated what I would make to drink. My home bar is meticulous arranged and plentiful. A cornucopia of vermouths, bitters, gins, scotch, rums, absinthes, velvet falernum, and most anything you could want. For late nights my bar in the office is appropriately stocked with miniature bottle versions of what I have at home.
Campari is an Italian vermouth with a deep, ruby red color and an appropriate amount of bitterness. The herbs in Campari and many types of vermouth are perfect for the aperitif. The aperitif is the first drink of the evening. It is how you should start not only a meal, but the night.
The aperitif is elegant. The aperitif is infinitely contemporary in its classicalness. The pre-dinner drink stimulates the appetite and conversations, what could be better. There is an implicit grace and civility in drinking with diligence and purpose. A traditional aperitif such as the Negroni is perfect. One drink is more than enough as you then venture on for a meal and have your pre dinner martini, followed by wine, followed by a glass of champagne with dessert, and a digestif.
The Negroni
• 2oz Plymouth Gin
• Slightly less than 2oz of Campari
• Slightly less than 2oz of Italian Vermouth (I enjoy Punt e Mes1 or a Rosso)
In a cocktail shaker pour all of the ingredients with a few ice cubes and stir gently. This melts a small part of the ice without diluting the drink. In a rocks glass chisel one large ice cube. Traditionally the Negroni is served with an orange but I prefer a lemon twist. Twist the lemon over the ice to release the natural oils and run along the rim of the glass. Pour the stirred ingredients over and serve. The large ice cube is perfect for the purpose of the aperitif as it does not dilute the drink but over the course of conversation where a drink may be neglected it will appropriately soften the drink.
Oh and here is some more of my novel/screenplay
I was not looking forward to going to India but I was surprised when I got there. Just the idea of how many shots you need and the malaria pills really upset me.
-I didn’t take any shots
You didn’t? And then you have to take Malaria pills too.
-Oh, I didn’t take mine
Well I didn’t take mine either but I at least had them with me. Michael took his the entire time and they gave him horrible nightmares.
- To be fair we did buy the pills on the street and the gentleman did inform us that the cheaper pills would give us nightmares.
And then at first you think that monkeys are so incredible and you see them up close, and then you start feeling competitive with the monkeys and you realize they don’t really have your best interest at heart.
1 Punt e Mes translates to "Point and a half," being about a point of sweetness and a half a point of bitterness. Halfway between Campari and Sweet Vermouth it is preferred for Negroni's adding a plesant savory bitterness
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
On Optimal Shaving Time, Extremes, and a perfectly imperfect Bloody Mary Recipe
Shaving is a ritual most men go through once or every other day. For some the process is quick and uninspiring and for others the usage of Penhaligon’s1
and a silver tipped badger brush makes much more sense. Shaving is a refined process steeped in process and diligence. Looking at my medicine cabinet and the array of shaving supplies it would be easy to think that I take shaving to an extreme2 point. To me shaving is a refined exercise that is both relaxing and elegant. Taking the thoughtful diligence in each activity, not matter how banal it may seem, is a quality I aspire too and try to respect.
No more than two days ago I was sitting in a bench taking in the lights from the Christmas tree at the Stuyvesant Town Oval where I got to thinking about optimal shaving time. This is of no doubt concern for me as my five o’clock shadow arrives at half past two and my night time stubble shows its face before the sun comes down.
There is a delicate balance then between what is acceptable for work, what is cool, and what is a scraggily mess.
To defined optimum shaving time we first need to define the optimal outcome. I’m going to choose to disregard work and focus on maximum time to being cool. Plotting against the standard CFFO (Coolness Form Factor from Optimal Shaving Time) some interesting results appear.
From the figure below we see that the optimal shave time is t-minus fifteen hours. This leaves a five hour window of that cool amount stubble. After that I begin to transform into what could be described as a very well dressed vagabond or drifter. After thirty six hours my beard begins to enter dangerous hipster related territory. Luckily I am well stocked with shave soap and a straight razor.
And now…
The Bloody Mary is a truly singular cocktail. The cocktail is almost always accompanied with excellent conversation.
In 1934 Fernand Petiot invented the Bloody Mary at the King Cole Bar5
at the venerable St. Regis Hotel. While there is little to no complexity in mixing tomato juice with vodka, the Bloody Mary becomes this personal experience as in its purest form is made to taste. “More Worcestershire sauce”, “lemon juice instead of lime juice if you please”, “pink sea salt on the rim.” Unlike most traditional cocktails steeped with history and precise parts, the Bloody Mary stands alone in being right when it is often wrong. What could be too spicy for some or most could be the perfect drink for someone else. The tangy taste of too much acid could be the well delivered wake up to your friend.
The Bloody Mary is peerless in its individuality.
What I present is an augmentation of a Bloody Mary I had at Eleven Madison Park and a portion of a meal I had at The Breslin. It’s quite good.
L'huître sanglante
To Make 1 Drink
• 3-4 Large Heirloom Tomatoes
• 3oz of Ketel One Vodka
• 1oz of fresh squeezed lime juice
• ¾ teaspoon of freshly grated horseradish
• 1 teaspoon of Tabasco
• 1 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce
• dash of fleur de sel
• dash of coarsely grinded black pepper
• ½ teaspoon of Mignonette sauce
• Mignonette sauce for garnish of oyster
• 1 Shibumi or Kumamoto oyster6
Pass the tomato through a potato ricer. This will give you a large amount of juice steeped with some pulp. Remove the large solids by passing the juice through a cocktail strainer or using a chinoise if you prefer a smoother juice. Refrigerate the juice for about an hour.
Place a highball glass in the freezer to chill. In a cocktail shaker add all of the ingredients and the chilled juice and gently stir. Adjust to your personal taste. Remove the highball glass and rim half of the glass with fleur de sel. Fill the glass halfway with ice. Pour the mixture over ice and garnish on top by placing one shucked oyster and a delicate strip of mignonette sauce.
1Penhaligon’s was the shave soap of choice by Winston Churchill. That was not by only determining factor in choosing Penhaligon’s, but it certainly did help.
2Annually American Express provides a summary detailing your purchases and your spending habits. It is a harrowing but necessary exercise to fully understand the often grim nature of the report. The eye is naturally drawn to the disproportionate size of the Restaurant/Bar column in the bar graph. Delving into the Restaurant/Bar column supported a key behavioral trait of mine, a proclivity for extremes.
My restaurant and bar tabs are often exorbitant or miniscule and largely back to back. Recounting many nights support that as I am wearing a suit at Eleven Madison Park and then wearing a suit at Mars Bar3. Both are excellent.
My ethos does not seem to support the common “moderation in moderation” mantra. Being moderately moderate sounds incredibly uninspiring. I greatly support being minimally moderate.
My being minimally moderate I often walk down the street with such thoughts as “why am I not on my way to trapeze school right now,” “at what height can you pour a gallon of water out and capture it all falling in one shot,” or “where does the J subway line even go.” I have the answer to at least two of those questions.
This focus and unrelenting desire to explore and understand everything has allowed me to hyper extend into many different tasks and activities. It has come to such a point where I have been forced to evaluate my time so much that it has forced new creativity to invent time saving devices and ways to accomplish my goals in proxy4.
3No less than three times at Mars bar has there been a seemingly dead corpse. Velvet Underground and Iggy Pop is always on the jukebox and a glass of gin is six dollars. Tonic available upon request.
4 http://capt-renault.blogspot.com/2010/12/on-exponential-art-number-59-vermillion.html
5The King Cole Bar is conveniently located two blocks from my office at 55th and 5th avenue. At the King Cole Bar it is ordered though as a Red Snapper. I prefer the Bloody Mary nomenclature.
6 My favorite. Extremely creamy with a nutty flavor
and a silver tipped badger brush makes much more sense. Shaving is a refined process steeped in process and diligence. Looking at my medicine cabinet and the array of shaving supplies it would be easy to think that I take shaving to an extreme2 point. To me shaving is a refined exercise that is both relaxing and elegant. Taking the thoughtful diligence in each activity, not matter how banal it may seem, is a quality I aspire too and try to respect.
No more than two days ago I was sitting in a bench taking in the lights from the Christmas tree at the Stuyvesant Town Oval where I got to thinking about optimal shaving time. This is of no doubt concern for me as my five o’clock shadow arrives at half past two and my night time stubble shows its face before the sun comes down.
There is a delicate balance then between what is acceptable for work, what is cool, and what is a scraggily mess.
To defined optimum shaving time we first need to define the optimal outcome. I’m going to choose to disregard work and focus on maximum time to being cool. Plotting against the standard CFFO (Coolness Form Factor from Optimal Shaving Time) some interesting results appear.
From the figure below we see that the optimal shave time is t-minus fifteen hours. This leaves a five hour window of that cool amount stubble. After that I begin to transform into what could be described as a very well dressed vagabond or drifter. After thirty six hours my beard begins to enter dangerous hipster related territory. Luckily I am well stocked with shave soap and a straight razor.
And now…
The Bloody Mary is a truly singular cocktail. The cocktail is almost always accompanied with excellent conversation.
In 1934 Fernand Petiot invented the Bloody Mary at the King Cole Bar5
at the venerable St. Regis Hotel. While there is little to no complexity in mixing tomato juice with vodka, the Bloody Mary becomes this personal experience as in its purest form is made to taste. “More Worcestershire sauce”, “lemon juice instead of lime juice if you please”, “pink sea salt on the rim.” Unlike most traditional cocktails steeped with history and precise parts, the Bloody Mary stands alone in being right when it is often wrong. What could be too spicy for some or most could be the perfect drink for someone else. The tangy taste of too much acid could be the well delivered wake up to your friend.
The Bloody Mary is peerless in its individuality.
What I present is an augmentation of a Bloody Mary I had at Eleven Madison Park and a portion of a meal I had at The Breslin. It’s quite good.
L'huître sanglante
To Make 1 Drink
• 3-4 Large Heirloom Tomatoes
• 3oz of Ketel One Vodka
• 1oz of fresh squeezed lime juice
• ¾ teaspoon of freshly grated horseradish
• 1 teaspoon of Tabasco
• 1 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce
• dash of fleur de sel
• dash of coarsely grinded black pepper
• ½ teaspoon of Mignonette sauce
• Mignonette sauce for garnish of oyster
• 1 Shibumi or Kumamoto oyster6
Pass the tomato through a potato ricer. This will give you a large amount of juice steeped with some pulp. Remove the large solids by passing the juice through a cocktail strainer or using a chinoise if you prefer a smoother juice. Refrigerate the juice for about an hour.
Place a highball glass in the freezer to chill. In a cocktail shaker add all of the ingredients and the chilled juice and gently stir. Adjust to your personal taste. Remove the highball glass and rim half of the glass with fleur de sel. Fill the glass halfway with ice. Pour the mixture over ice and garnish on top by placing one shucked oyster and a delicate strip of mignonette sauce.
1Penhaligon’s was the shave soap of choice by Winston Churchill. That was not by only determining factor in choosing Penhaligon’s, but it certainly did help.
2Annually American Express provides a summary detailing your purchases and your spending habits. It is a harrowing but necessary exercise to fully understand the often grim nature of the report. The eye is naturally drawn to the disproportionate size of the Restaurant/Bar column in the bar graph. Delving into the Restaurant/Bar column supported a key behavioral trait of mine, a proclivity for extremes.
My restaurant and bar tabs are often exorbitant or miniscule and largely back to back. Recounting many nights support that as I am wearing a suit at Eleven Madison Park and then wearing a suit at Mars Bar3. Both are excellent.
My ethos does not seem to support the common “moderation in moderation” mantra. Being moderately moderate sounds incredibly uninspiring. I greatly support being minimally moderate.
My being minimally moderate I often walk down the street with such thoughts as “why am I not on my way to trapeze school right now,” “at what height can you pour a gallon of water out and capture it all falling in one shot,” or “where does the J subway line even go.” I have the answer to at least two of those questions.
This focus and unrelenting desire to explore and understand everything has allowed me to hyper extend into many different tasks and activities. It has come to such a point where I have been forced to evaluate my time so much that it has forced new creativity to invent time saving devices and ways to accomplish my goals in proxy4.
3No less than three times at Mars bar has there been a seemingly dead corpse. Velvet Underground and Iggy Pop is always on the jukebox and a glass of gin is six dollars. Tonic available upon request.
4 http://capt-renault.blogspot.com/2010/12/on-exponential-art-number-59-vermillion.html
5The King Cole Bar is conveniently located two blocks from my office at 55th and 5th avenue. At the King Cole Bar it is ordered though as a Red Snapper. I prefer the Bloody Mary nomenclature.
6 My favorite. Extremely creamy with a nutty flavor
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Intentional Tourist
Here's a phenomenon I'm having trouble understanding: the 7:00am New York City tourist.
Lets start from the beginning. I walk from Grand Central1 to Herald Square2 every morning at around 8:30am. The path that I take allows me to steer clear of the onslaught of people from Penn Station, however I do walk right past the visitor's entrance to the Empire State Building.
On the entire block in front of the Empire State, there are groups of people offering discounted tickets on bundled bus tours and trips to the top. I don't know who's who, but we've got the Red Jackets, the Yellow Jackets, and the Blue Jackets. They're legit, mainly because they don't hustle me.
What I question though, is their need to be there. The thing is, these guys are busy as shit when I walk past them. They're pitching, signing people up, and just doing their thing. And I get that part, it's supply and demand. There is a healthy supply of tourists who need to do touristy things, so there are going to be several company reps trying to solicit them.
But why the hell do the tourists need to be there in the first place, at 8:30am?! Yes, there's a lot to do in the Big Apple, and you really want to take it all in, especially when you're from Gas, Kansas (pop 554)3, but there is still no reason why you can't get going after 10:00. I just don't understand how there could be so many people willingly awake at that hour during their vacation.
For one, tourists walk wrong. If you want to be out and about during rush hour, please follow these commonsense maxims:
For two, nobody's happy at 8:30. And its because it's too fucking early. And because you can't afford to stay in midtown, you had to wake up at like 7:00 to get the kids up, shower, get to breakfast, take a cab (because you were told the subway is dangerous), and eat breakfast--all before you had the privilege to get swindled by Mr. Yellow Jacket.
At this rate, by the time you see the Lion King, you're already exhausted, and then you miss out on that fantastic dinner at Applebee's in Times Square because you're too tired. Start later! New York is much cooler at 8:00pm than 8:00am. Sleep in, go out late, make bad decisions. You'll come back having had a much better time than you would plowing into me because you're not following the aforementioned rules of walking on the fucking street.
In conclusion, let those poor guys in the multicolored coats sleep in for a little while. You'll make everyone much more happy.
1 Grand Central
2 Herald Square
3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas,_Kansas
Lets start from the beginning. I walk from Grand Central1 to Herald Square2 every morning at around 8:30am. The path that I take allows me to steer clear of the onslaught of people from Penn Station, however I do walk right past the visitor's entrance to the Empire State Building.
On the entire block in front of the Empire State, there are groups of people offering discounted tickets on bundled bus tours and trips to the top. I don't know who's who, but we've got the Red Jackets, the Yellow Jackets, and the Blue Jackets. They're legit, mainly because they don't hustle me.
What I question though, is their need to be there. The thing is, these guys are busy as shit when I walk past them. They're pitching, signing people up, and just doing their thing. And I get that part, it's supply and demand. There is a healthy supply of tourists who need to do touristy things, so there are going to be several company reps trying to solicit them.
But why the hell do the tourists need to be there in the first place, at 8:30am?! Yes, there's a lot to do in the Big Apple, and you really want to take it all in, especially when you're from Gas, Kansas (pop 554)3, but there is still no reason why you can't get going after 10:00. I just don't understand how there could be so many people willingly awake at that hour during their vacation.
For one, tourists walk wrong. If you want to be out and about during rush hour, please follow these commonsense maxims:
- Rule Number 1: If there are no cars coming, do not wait for the light to change. Just fucking walk!
- Rule Number 2: When it's flashing "Don't Walk", what the sign is really telling you is hurry the fuck up! As long as that shit is blinking, you better keep moving.
- Rule Number 3: Do not stand at a busy street corner and try and figure out where you are. Please do that from the safety of standing out of the main flow of pedestrian traffic.
For two, nobody's happy at 8:30. And its because it's too fucking early. And because you can't afford to stay in midtown, you had to wake up at like 7:00 to get the kids up, shower, get to breakfast, take a cab (because you were told the subway is dangerous), and eat breakfast--all before you had the privilege to get swindled by Mr. Yellow Jacket.
At this rate, by the time you see the Lion King, you're already exhausted, and then you miss out on that fantastic dinner at Applebee's in Times Square because you're too tired. Start later! New York is much cooler at 8:00pm than 8:00am. Sleep in, go out late, make bad decisions. You'll come back having had a much better time than you would plowing into me because you're not following the aforementioned rules of walking on the fucking street.
In conclusion, let those poor guys in the multicolored coats sleep in for a little while. You'll make everyone much more happy.
1 Grand Central
2 Herald Square
3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas,_Kansas
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
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