The Intentional Tourist

Here's a phenomenon I'm having trouble understanding: the 7:00am New York City tourist.

Lets start from the beginning. I walk from Grand Central¹ to Herald Square² every morning at around 8:30am. The path that I take allows me to steer clear of the onslaught of people from Penn Station, however I do walk right past the visitor's entrance to the Empire State Building.

On the entire block in front of the Empire State, there are groups of people offering discounted tickets on bundled bus tours and trips to the top. I don't know who's who, but we've got the Red Jackets, the Yellow Jackets, and the Blue Jackets. They're legit, mainly because they don't hustle me.
What I question though, is their need to be there. The thing is, these guys are busy as shit when I walk past them. They're pitching, signing people up, and just doing their thing. And I get that part, it's supply and demand. There is a healthy supply of tourists who need to do touristy things, so there are going to be several company reps trying to solicit them.

But why the hell do the tourists need to be there in the first place, at 8:30am?! Yes, there's a lot to do in the Big Apple, and you really want to take it all in, especially when you're from Gas, Kansas (pop 554)³, but there is still no reason why you can't get going after 10:00. I just don't understand how there could be so many people willingly awake at that hour during their vacation.
For one, tourists walk wrong. If you want to be out and about during rush hour, please follow these commonsense maxims:

• Rule Number 1: If there are no cars coming, do not wait for the light to change. Just fucking walk!
  
• Rule Number 2: When it's flashing "Don't Walk", what the sign is really telling you is hurry the fuck up! As long as that shit is blinking, you better keep moving.
  
• Rule Number 3: Do not stand at a busy street corner and try and figure out where you are. Please do that from the safety of standing out of the main flow of pedestrian traffic.

So you know what, walk wrong, I don't give a shit. Just wait until after I've gotten coffee and gotten to work.

For two, nobody's happy at 8:30. And its because it's too fucking early. And because you can't afford to stay in midtown, you had to wake up at like 7:00 to get the kids up, shower, get to breakfast, take a cab (because you were told the subway is dangerous), and eat breakfast--all before you had the privilege to get swindled by Mr. Yellow Jacket.

At this rate, by the time you see the Lion King, you're already exhausted, and then you miss out on that fantastic dinner at Applebee's in Times Square because you're too tired. Start later! New York is much cooler at 8:00pm than 8:00am. Sleep in, go out late, make bad decisions. You'll come back having had a much better time than you would plowing into me because you're not following the aforementioned rules of walking on the fucking street.

In conclusion, let those poor guys in the multicolored coats sleep in for a little while. You'll make everyone much more happy.


¹ Grand Central
² Herald Square
³ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas,_Kansas

Ben and Jerry's decides against 'Mother's Milk' flavored Ice Cream

I wonder who in PETA (that's the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) decided that it would be a good idea to send a letter to Ben and Jerry (formerly of Ben & Jerry's, now of Unilever) suggesting that they completely transition from cow milk to breast milk.  Either they completely didn't think this through (possible) or its just a publicity stunt to get PETA back in the news (probable).

Let's think about this for a second.  First off, let's talk logistics before we delve into the slightly more ludicrous.  Cows provide us with roughly 8 gallons of milk a day.  People produce 40 oz a day--at most.  So for every cow, we'd need nearly 26 women producing at maximum capacity just to equal what a cow averages every day.  Two questions arise:  where would we get these droves of lactating women, and what should they do during the roughly--I don't even know how long it takes to milk a cow (or a person), but that long.

I can imagine gigantic milking facilities, fully stocked with Us Weekly and As The World Turns and I must say, I can imagine how GreenPeace would get pretty angry about that.  The carbon emissions from such a gigantic human milking factory must certainly outweigh the benefits of drinking human milk.

More importantly, ewww.  I already had human milk, and you know what, I kicked that habit years ago.  Maybe because it's gross.  Do the PETA people drink breast milk?  If so, where do they get it from?  And I'm not talking about formula, because you can't make ice cream with formula.

That brings up a new point.  With all these mothers producing flat out to provide Ben and Jerry's with top quality product, what about the children?  Presumably they can't outbid Ben and Jerry's--I mean they're owned by Unilever for Christ sakes--so I'd say its a fair assumption to say that they'd only get second-rate reject milk.  And you know what, that's just not fair.

Could you imagine the baby riots that would occur as a result of this?  "We're not second class citizens" they'd say.  If we oppressed them with sub-par formula, and poor quality breast milk, eventually they'd rise up, probably violently.  And then the uprising would have to be put down, which means babies would end up getting hurt, or worse killed.

And then there would be outrage.  And it would be directed at the politicians who authorized the use of force.  Against babies.  Which means that they would either a. get kicked out of office and be replaced by people whose campaign would be 'baby milk is for babies' or b. institute some kind of Human Milk in Ice Cream ban to save their jobs.  Regardless we'd be right back to cow milk and the net change would be zero.  Except for those poor, needlessly murdered babies

See, PETA, I can come up with ridiculous and outlandish concepts too!

From: AdAge or

Read the original PETA press release

You Have too Many Facebook Apps

There needs to be some kind of reasonable restriction on the number of applications that one is allowed to add to his or her Facebook page.

Take Exhibit A, below. This was taken from the the Myspace Facebook page of one of my friends.
Look at how many applications he has! I was going to write on his wall, except wait! I couldn't find it under literally a cacophany of applications. In conclusion, it was bad news bears.

And you know what, friend? I didn't write on your wall. Because I couldn't find it. So you missed out on a perfectly good wall post, which I'm sure you're keeping track of. Because that's how vain you are.

This is part one of our one part series on too many Facebook apps.

Thank you for helping me clean up the place

Dear Former Roommates:

I would just like to take a second to thank you for helping me remove some of the clutter from the apartment we all used to occupy. I know that the place was a bit cramped, but we made the best of it didn't we?

So as we're clearing out the apartment, thanks for also helping me get rid of some of my stuff--the four bottles of wine that you took from my wine box. I probably would have never gotten around to drinking them anyway. But more importantly--thanks for leaving the one with the screw top. After all, I wouldn't have been able to get it open, because you probably also took my cork screw.

When you open the 2004 Jordan Cabernet Sauvignon, please make sure to decant it for at least two hours prior to drinking it. Although I got it as a birthday present 2 years ago, I know you'll be able to derive more value out of it than I would ever be able to. Before it's opened, you should probably chill it slightly, to about 67 degrees, in order to release the full complexity of the grapes.

The Twisted Oak white should be chilled to anywhere between 45 and 50 degrees. Drink it immediately after opening, and make sure to savor the crisp refreshing blend of California grapes. I've found that this particular bottle tends towards the dryer side of the spectrum so it will probably go nice with a sharp cheese. I could also envision it going lovely with a rich chicken dish. But after all, it's your bottle now so use at your discretion.

The two Latin American reds both should be decanted for anywhere from 30 minutes to two hours. I can't remember the names of them, but one was a delicious, spicy rich wine, i believe coming from Argentina. It's also very moderately priced, if you like it, I hope you continue to buy it. It's one of my favorites, please enjoy it. The other one, probably the most expensive bottle in my collection, has been aging for about 3 years. I was going to open it when I graduated. But it's probably too complex for my palate anyway, so please take it, and enjoy it with my complements.

Anyway, I'm glad that you're able to enjoy one of my favorite past times. Ben, because you told me when you were really drunk that you were taking a class to learn about wines at Cornell in the fall, I'm going to go ahead and assume it was you. I hope you can enjoy and savor them as much as I was going to.

Have a great semester!

Dear D.C. Cabbies (again)

As you may or may not recall, I think the taxi system in Washington, D.C. is a complete and total disaster. And one cog in this clusterfuck machine is, of course, the cab drivers themselves. I feel like they (the cabbies) don't understand exactly how the meters (or the meter system) works, and therefore they make it run a lot worse.

Example #1: Stopping at every light that looks like it might turn yellow sort of soon. Maybe. One plus of the zone system was that when you got in a cab, you got to your destination fast. Because they understood that more fares = more money. For some reason, with the time and distance meters cab drivers think the paradigm has changed. It hasn't.

Every time a cab driver picks up a fare, that's $4.00. The flag drop costs $3.00, and the gas surcharge is another $1. When you stop at the light, its 25 cents a minute. Using logic, one might think that the goal is to get to your destination as quick as possible to get another easy $4.00. Cab driver logic dictates otherwise.

Example #2: Inching forward at that red light you just stopped at. As far as I can remember, this never happened under the zone system. I don't really know why it happens now. For one, it wears out the brakes faster, and the transmission for that matter. For another, being a passenger, it's really annoying and provides a disincentive to tip well.

The only cab driver logic I can think of to justify this is that if the wheels are rolling, then it's increased distance on the meter. Here's the thing: it's not. The meter only calculates distance when the car is going 10 m.p.h or faster (hence why NYC cabbies drive so fast) so it's really not doing anything. Except annoying the shit out of me.

So in summation, cab drivers, please stop sucking so bad, because in the end you're only hurting yourselves.

It's The Economy, Stupid

Stanley Bing, Fortune's resident last page columnist, has a new column out regarding the state of our economy. The gist of his argument is, and I'm paraphrasing, life on earth has always been tough, so we might as well spend more money now, because, why not? You can read the more thorough version here.

Apparently, the root of our economic trouble is the fact that CNBC has a 24 hour news scroll and bloggers are the 21st century version of malcontents. It's not like the country's top lending institutions have been just completely screwing the little guy. It's not like car companies have resisted mile-per-gallon improvements for years, and when oil prices suddenly shoot up because of increased worldwide demand, the American driver takes a bath. No, it's clearly the fault of the news media, and the consumer who watches it. It's never big business's fault.

Well, as Stan pointed out, it could be worse. We could be living with the threat of nuclear war with the Soviets. We could be living during the time of the Crusades. Tell that to someone who could be only days away from losing his/her house or job. You can console their homelessness with the fact that at least they won't have to go to the Middle East and try and take back Jerusalem.

Comrade Bing suggests ignorance. Only watch 45 minutes of news a day. Don't read blogs. Take a soma holiday. This is exactly the type of thought process that got us into our current financial situation in the first place.

Just one more thing before I sign off here, Stanley says that "Three-quarters of our economy is built upon our willingness to part with our money in exchange for goods and services." What I'm still trying to figure out is, what's the other quarter based on?

So, "Get out there every goddamn weekend and pump as much money as you can back into the economy." Too bad it's money that you probably don't have to begin with.

Bear Sterns reorganizes into NLL Team

(NLL of course standing for National Lacrosse League)

I really meant to post this a while ago, as now it's just a bit timely:

Bear Avoids Collapse as Lacrosse Team Thumps Lehman

This is a legitimate news story, from Bloomberg, a very respected financial news outlet. Read the article. Please. For me. It might as well be out of The Onion. Let me just give you a taste. This is the actual opening paragraph:

June 11 (Bloomberg) -- Bear Stearns Cos.' lacrosse team beat Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. 11-4 last night, a rare piece of good news for workers at the now-defunct Wall Street firm.

If this doesn't catch you, I don't know what will.

As it turns out Bear Sterns is better at lacrosse then they were at investing. And now they're defunct. I guess that's what happens when you stray away from your core business. At least we can take solace in the fact that if these guys can't find work on Wall Street, there's still a chance they can make it to the limelight during the "Game of the Week" broadcast on Versus.

London Mayor a Party Pooper

London's illustrious mayor Boris Johnson did something so ghastly, so unspeakable, that I'm going to speak of it. The man has singlehandedly banned booze on London's public transport network. Unlike puritanical America, where in some cities (read: Washington, D.C.) it's illegal to bring any type of food or water on the metro, London was a beacon of free ideas and social acceptance--of drinking on the Tube.

This is the beginning of a slippery slope in London. The next thing you know, having a couple beers at lunch on a workday will be socially unacceptable. And then out of nowhere, all drinking will be banned in bars and pubs. It's a slippery slope Mayor Johnson, one that you don't want to go down.

In conclusion, it sucks that drinking has been banned on public transport, because that was one really cool thing about London. As Bob Crow, the Rail Maritime and Transport Union's Leader put it, "Perhaps the mayor will come out with his underpants on over his trousers like Superman one Saturday to show us how it should be done, and maybe tell a crowd of Liverpool supporters that they can't drink on the train."

Original Article here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/london/7387113.stm

Found: Bookish Sexual Deviant...

...If interested, please inquire within.

I found this delight of an advertisement in the third floor men's room at the Barnes & Noble in Georgetown. Sorry the picture is so film noir, but I had to mess with the exposure settings in order for it to become more readable.

Just when I thought that bathroom advertisements had fallen out of fashion, or had at least been replaced by TV's inside stalls playing ESPN News, this gem pops up. In a rather classy establishment no less. In case you can't tell, its written on one of those toilet seat condom holders. You know, the really thin paper things that crinkle every time you move, making sure everyone in the bathroom knows that 1. you're taking a shit and 2. you're not comfortable putting your ass on the seat.

"202-271-3000 Sunshine

Sucks Good Dick
Ref by: (Charles)"

I don't have the balls to call the number, but if you do, let me know. I would be very interested to learn how it pans out.

This little invitation gets my stupid around town tag for coming straight out of 1996. "Charles" should really know that a much better way of getting "Sunshine" to turn tricks for cash is Craigslist Casual Encounters (Both Pops into a new window and is DEFINITELY Not Safe For Work).

D.C. Cabs (not the movie)

After what feels like decades, the D.C. Taxicab commission finally changed the arcane, inconvenient zone pricing system to a time and distance system involving a meter. After fighting this all the way to the Supreme Court, Illustrious Mayor Fenty finally got this new legislation (is it legislation?) approved. A great victory for the consumer, yes? Not so much.

So what does this mean for your average D.C. cab rider? Basically nothing. Under the auspices of a very quietly released study, the Taxicab Commission found that under the current meter system, the average price of a cab ride is nearly identical to that of a zone system. Which means still absurdly expensive.

One of the goals of switching to the meter was to get rid of some of the surcharges that plague us today. The gas surcharge, the rush hour surcharge, the additional passenger surcharge, and most importantly, the “You’re drunk (and/or a tourists) and I’m going to fuck you over” surcharge—where does it end? Well, thanks to the new regulations, it doesn’t. The gas surcharge is still in place, and so is the absurdist of absurd, the additional passenger surcharge. Rush Hour might still be in place, and I know that drivers are really going to try and use the drunk surcharge as often as possible.
What I am trying to figure out is why the additional passenger surcharge still applies. I mean this really must be one of the only cities in the country that uses a meter in addition to per-passenger rates. For one thing, the meter isn’t exactly cheap. It costs $3.00 to drop the flag (which is more expensive than NYC, if you were wondering) and then 25 cents per each 1/6 mile and then 25 cents per minute of being stuck in traffic. With adding surcharges, one person going one block can still expect to pay $5.00.

So why do we need the per-person fares on top of this?

Cabbies should be trying to get as many short distance rides as possible. Instead, they’re trying to get as many big groups as possible. This system is, quite simply, doomed to failure.

The average cab fare in New York is $6.00. The average cab fare in Washington is $11.83. Why? Perhaps it’s because D.C. is bigger geographically than New York. Or does D.C. have a higher cost of living than Manhattan? Or perhaps it’s because cabbies need to charge that much per fare in order to make a decent living. Why would that be? Especially with the K Street crowd, cabs are a highly sought after form of transportation in D.C. For one thing the Metro closes at midnight and unless you want to take the bus (and who knows where those run?), a cab is your only bet. So that leads me to believe that there is a drastic oversupply of taxis in the district, meaning that they have to charge higher fares to survive.

Assuming that average fares dropped to $6.00 a trip, Cabbies would need to pick up twice as many fares to earn the same amount of money, ceteris paribus. If there was a somewhat normal number of cabs per person in D.C., then making up the additional revenue would be extremely difficult. The demand for cab service, in my opinion, leans towards the inelastic side, and dropping rates by half will not cause ridership to double. However, according to a Progressive Review article (LINK) that I wholeheartedly disagree with, D.C. has 1 cab for every 75 citizens. New York, on the other hand, has 1 cab for every 600—London and Paris have similar proportions.

Are D.C. Residents eight times as likely as likely as New Yorkers to take a cab places?

My solution, would then to increase barriers to entry to reduce the oversupply of taxis in the district. Perhaps that way I could get a cabbie who actually knows where the address I give him is, or that the car I’m in is younger than I am (more on that in a bit). New York has medallions, London has The Knowledge (LINK), D.C. has a piece of paper that says sign here on it, and then you get your cab license—I just made that up but it sure feels that way.

Furthermore, district cabs fall way behind in other categories compared to other cities. For one thing, they’re really shitty cars. Not only that, but they’re old and falling apart. On a recently rainy evening, I was in a cab where water was literally coming in from the ceiling. And I’ve been in dozens of cabs where the suspension was completely shot, the seats were ripped, the windows didn’t work, or the car just looked thoroughly distressed. This is what I’m paying a premium for?

By both reducing the number of cabs on the street, and the overall cost of trips, D.C. cabbies could be making a whole lot more money. Besides that, with lower trip costs coupled with cleaner cabs and nicer drivers, the money made on tips could increase greatly. A solution like this would benefit both drivers and riders, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want?

Very Modest

I was drunkenly staring at this bottle of Jefferson's Reserve Whisky recently when I came to the following conclusion: They are cocky motherfuckers.

I mean most of the time when you have a niche, expensive product, you don't actively advertise it on the label. Even when it's just expensive, you don't tout it on the packaging. Take Gray Goose for example. Gray Goose (quite possibly the most overpriced vodka on the market) relies on word of mouth, a pretty bottle and a certain amount of undeserved cache to find its way into $9 vodka tonics.

You might as well spray paint the following on a Rolls Royce:

Very Expensive
British Car Made by the Germans
You'll Get Laid, Guaranteed.

In my opinion, the whole thing is completely absurd. If Jefferson Reserve was really as prestigious as its makers would lead you to believe, then you wouldn't need to hear about it on the outside of a bottle.

On a different note, there's been a lot of hubbub about Alltel Wireless. It's not that I have anything against the company (except that fuckass Chad). So besides from being stupid, and not knowing what I'm talking about, if you could at least help me understand why you're so passionate about your phone company, It'd really help me understand all the commotion.

Stupid Around Town

Big changes here at the blog. Last month (or maybe it was this month), we introduced the awesome* tag. I think it went over pretty well. Today, we roll out our latest and greatest tag: Stupid Around Town. If you need more explaining than that, please don't continue reading. Anything.

You can redefine what it means to be a lawyer. This is an advertisement on the side of a phone booth very close to the fire station on G Street between 21st and 22nd.

You can redefine what it means to be a lawyer. (you just have to get into law school first)

It doesn't translate well into text, but I am really frustrated by this ad. Let's first discuss graphics. The woman is either sleep-walking or Ray Charles, standing in front of a building that is supposed to be a law office, but strikes me as just looking like Funger Hall. What are you telling me by this? That even people who cruise (or sleep) through life can be lawyers too? Or perhaps we're supposed to marvel at how all law books now have braille versions available? Point is, bad graphics, 1. it's not leading me anywhere and 2. it's not saying anything about being a lawyer.

More importantly, I think the advert is just a bold-faced lie. You can't redefine what it means to be a lawyer. Neither can I, nobody can. It's pretty established what a lawyer does. For instance, you can't wake up one day (after having gotten into law school, per the advertisement), and say, "Lawyers will now all manage hotels." Well, of course, you can say that, but that's not the point. The point is that lawyers won't manage hotels, they won't wash cars, they won't even trade stocks or be doctors. Lawyers will do law. You can't redefine that. Even if you're in law school.

So congratulations LSAT prep course, whose name I accidentally cropped out of the picture, for doing something dumb enough for me to devote an entire new section of my blog to stupid things.