The Bad Decision Index

Everyone has some sort of barometer for determining when a night may have gotten out of control, when you maybe should have called it a night and not tried to hit on the police officer to avoid a night in the drunk tank. My metric is entirely fact based and documented, as it turns out, courtesy of transaction tags from American Express.

In case you're not familiar, the lovely people at American Express break down your charges into various categories like transportation, groceries, dining out, entertainment, et al. so that you can better track your annual expenses. They also give you the option to add your own tags to transaction, so you can define what you spend in your terms. Of my many customized tags, the one I like to use least often is "Bad Decisions"

While your bad decision spectrum may put Stay Home and Play Checkers on one side and Try to Break Into the Organization of American States¹ on the other, mine are generally viewed in terms of economic impact. You know why? Because sometimes, at 3:00am, it genuinely is a good idea to wander off into northern Virginia, and inform the gang that you are by a bunch of trees and please come get you². Sometimes great things come of this.

Here's what I consider a bad decision. Buying an excruciating amount of shots, drinks, beers, and other consumables for me and my 50 closest friends at the bar. Because here's the thing, once you get the ball rolling, there's really no stopping it³. By the time the house lights come on, I'm the bartender's best friend, I've gotten us both drunk (the bartender too, most likely), and even with the fuzzy math that generally goes into calculation of my tab I'm still walking out the door for like $200. Was it a special occasion? Maybe, probably not. Generally it was a random Thursday night where somebody posed the seemingly innocuous question, "Shots?"

The amazing thing about my bad decision index is that it's largely independent of frequency, intensity, and scope. I've had billing periods where I go out hard and billing periods where I try to restrain myself, and after the dust settles, the Bad Decision Meter is remarkably consistent. I can't explain it. I've almost come to view it as a fixed cost.

The one strangely constant thing is that the legibility of the handwriting on my copy of the receipt (I always manage to take it) is inversely proportional to the percentage tip I leave.

Is this rational? Does this make sense? Of course not. But I have come to terms that one of my base instincts is the desire to make my friends happy. And as it turns out, when I'm drunk, making you happy is performed by getting us both drunker.

Until tomorrow, I leave you with this pearl of wisdom:

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!<sup>4

1</sup> You know who you are.
² Same guy
<sup>3

4</sup> It's a palindrome⁵, stupid.
⁵ Have you ever wondered why palindrome isn't a palindrome? So many other literary devices intimate their definition in the pronunciation, like onomatopoeia or alliteration.

The Preamble

Today we begin an experiment in humanity. Today, you and I together will step out to the edge. We will push the envelope. Today marks Day One of an imposed sobriety, and I'm taking you with me.

The Buildup

I like to drink. I like to drink because it's a social lubricant, because it's entertaining. People tend to smile more after a drink, and as a direct result, my level of wit and intrigue increases. The subtle craftsmanship of spirits, the descriptors, textures, and aromas. The hunt for the perfect cocktail. I don't discriminate. I'll talk politics over the nicest bourbon you can find then wander into a dive bar and throw back a Pabst Blue Ribbon and a shot of Jameson. The sauce, my friend, is how you make connections.

Think about how many fewer people you'd know if you didn't drink. How many fewer stories you'd have. Don't believe me? Take a night off, walk into any neighborhood bar by yourself and just sit down and have a few drinks. People will just approach you to chat, to hear your story. It might start with the bartender, but then you'll drag in the person next to you, and then a few more. The next night, go to a library. It just doesn't work. Some of the coolest, most fascinating people I've ever met have been randomly sitting next to me at a bar. Quite simply, society favors drink.

Now I'm not advocating blacking out seven nights a week, and I don't suggest getting drunk all the time. But there is something deeply satisfying and refreshing about having a drink or two.

So what's this going to be like? I predict my creativity will be deeply affected. I'm basing this solely on how successful other highly intoxicated people have been. Like Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, Kingsley Amis, or Werner von Braun. I'm not going to go to sleep any earlier, though I'll probably eat a lot better. I don't know why.

Obviously the one area that my imposed sobriety won't affect is work. Because that's boring and neither of us care, let's move on.

So, Day One: I went to work two hours late. It was scheduled and awesome. Downside: Financial Times was long gone. There has been a lot of Arcade Fire going on in my head today.

Tomorrow I'm going to come up with a machine that can do my job. I don't think it should be that difficult. I imagine it's going to be a mix between a gigantic Scantron machine and one of those punch-card computers from the 60's. Actually it's going to look like this:

Except that instead of the person, it would just be another (admittedly retro looking) computer. Or maybe a paperwork receiving area.

But at the end of the day, there's something to be said about getting off work, downing several shots, a few beers, half a bottle of wine, and then going to dinner. More tomorrow.

NaNoWriMo a Go Go

Eleven days ago it was brought to my attention that November is NaNoWriMo¹, National Novel Writing Month, which is self described as:

“A fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30.

Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.

Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.”

I am going to write a novel².

I’ve never written a novel⁴. I have a collection of short stories, flash fiction, couplets, and one line poems scattered between Moleskine notebooks and collected away in meticulously and chronologically organized set of cardboard boxes.

The constraint of time will be helpful and force me to reject pouring over vernacular, diction, and the minutia of punctuation. I have no real approach other than to sketch out a protagonist. I believe that by a crafting a character with a manner that is natural and unaffected the rest should more or less fall into place.

I will need the following items:
1. Typewriter⁵
2. Bordeaux

Yes.

Here are some one line poems that were written in 214 seconds:

My camera was in a film.
The matter of facts drives railroad tracks.
Field notes joke.
Alabaster alkali, basic.
Blue, grey, I never say.


¹ http://www.nanowrimo.org/
² there may or may not be a t-shirt involved as a prize for completing a novel^3
3 there definitely is
⁴ as far as I know
⁵ I think it goes without saying that it needs to have that really great sound as you hit the keys and a crisp ping when you advance the line^6
6 The Paris Review interview series is unnaproachable, engaging, and an informative view into the craft of writing. Billy Wilder was interviewed a few years prior to his death. His energy jumps off the page. Mr. Wilder describes his process and pulls out a few "meet cute⁷" stories. He recounts them with a dry wit, pride for his work, and a degree of wistfullness.
⁷"Meet Cute" is the contrived encounter of two potential romantic partners. In Wilder's 1938 classic Bluebeard's Eighth Wife, Gary Cooper goes to the department store to pick up a pair of pajamas. He only wants the tops. The floor manager insists the top and bottom are exclusively sold as a set⁸. In comes the pretty girl buying pajamas for her father, whom only wants the bottoms. They look at each other, problem solved.
⁸Gary Cooper acting as the wealthy businessman insists the floor manager call the department store manager. The camera zooms to the store manager being awaken out of bed to answer the phone. The manager shouts about the sheer preposterousness of purchasing just the tops. The camera zooms out to reveal the store manager is in fact wearing only the top. In the Paris Review interview Wilder reveals that this iconic scence was written by frequent collaborator and director Ernst Lubitsch. Wilder talks about how he would always come up with 99% of the scene and Lubitsch would come in and twist it once more. The zoom out of the store manager was Lubitsch.

Anglophile Approximation / Department of Transportation Humor

Three days ago I was accused of being an anglophile¹ at work. I use the word accused because of the tone and connotation that was used. I am satisfied by the assessment.

My homepage is BBC world news, Brit Pop/Rock³ is often emanating from my office, and I think I did mention that the new DB9's⁵ subtle changes enhance an already elegant style.

Outside of the cultural interest what I think is more fitting and telling is the ethos of approaching everyday tasks. I enjoy the approach that is somewhat inflexible in nature to conform to a tradition that is steeped in the correct or optimal way of doing something. The degrees of inflexibility forces one to adapt and more important take the time to think about approach.

Understanding that the larger incremental extra time to properly brew a cup of tea⁶, make a cocktail, and to maintain a degree of chivalry⁷ and demure might only a peripheral difference.

While these last details may be noticed by few, if anyone at all, it is the process that is important. It is the unwavering attention to detail and to craft. It is the focus that yields the benefit.

I was thinking about the Village Green Preservation Society⁸ late last night, or early morning depending on how you look at it. The general theme is about mssing the village green in an English countryside and all the simple people and things we used to know. Sherlock Holmes english speaking vernacular, vaudeville, and strawberry jam to name a few. It's about the details that we would miss and so quickly overlook when we start accepting more and receive less.






location: 5th avenue across from Saks<sup>10

1</sup> Anglophile² n. One who admires England, its people, and its culture
² Ironically the word is french in origin and was first seen in Revue des Deux Mondes in 1867
³ Usual suspects of beatles, rollings stones, stone roses⁴, and the like
⁴ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfzQLZtCZSY
Glastonbury 2011? please, would be epic...
⁵ subtle, clean, distinctive and it even has four seats!
⁶ the detail is all in the brew temperature. I really want this: http://www.brevilleusa.com/tea/one-touch-tea-maker.html
⁷ I've always tried to maintain a degree of manners and sophistication. I think it makes a difference and I enjoy it as well. Handwritten thank you cards are so much better than an email, and it is an apporpriate excuse to maintain a well stocked stationary set, a pen, and an oversized desk
⁸ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syqQdfWO6KY&feature=related^9
9 perfectly sweet and not included on the album. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzpShIhvrjU
¹⁰ I thought about getting a car so I could think about parking there

Chaucer

Today, as you are undoubtedly aware, is the 610th anniversary of Geoffrey Chaucer's death. Let us take this time to commemorate the fact that you probably Cliffs Notes-ed "The Canterbury Tales" in high school.

Chaucer is best remembered as the drunk, poor, slovenly character played by Paul Bettany in 2001's A Knight's Tale. In reality, however, he was a bureaucratic, well-kempt drunk who was given a gallon of wine per day by King Edward III for doing something apparently awesome in 1374^1,2

So consider that in the United Kingdom, "Where's Waldo" is known as "Where's Wally" and as it turns out, Bert (of Sesame Street fame) finally came out on Twitter³.


Footnotes:
¹http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2003/10/25
²Lost in Translation: 1 Imperial Gallon = 1.2 US Gallons
³http://gawker.com/5672328/did-bert-from-sesame-street-come-out-as-gay-on-twitter

Why I need an Industrial Warehouse

It has come to my attention, and in quick agreement with Jordan as well, that we probably (absolutely) need an industrial sized warehouse with no less than 20 foot ceilings and 5,000 square feet of above grade space ^1,2.

Over the past 128 hours I have compiled a detailed list in a Moleskine notebook of all the tasks I want to complete by the end of the calendar year, my birthday, and the end of the fiscal year⁵. Many of these projects I can complete in my bedroom, some in my parents yard, but there is a large chunk that probably dictate the need for an industrial warehouse. Also I want to have an office in an industrial warehouse.

In my mind this warehouse is already setup in appropriate (probably the only appropriate) manner as an office. Consisting of:

1. Ceiling height of at least 20 feet
2. One of those large switches that turns on every light in the building at once, with that really awesome noise as the lights cascade across
3. Two large desks in the center (facing each other(Jordan’s and my personal desk))
4. A manual operating elevator would be nice but not necessary
5. Uniformed night watchman with a basset hound (probably asleep nearly all the time (and with that big flashlight)
6. A generator
7. BBC America (HD preferred)
8. Vintage turntable and tube speakers
9. Green accountants lamp
10. Jim Jarmusch riding in circles on a bicycle



I think I can really get a lot done in this environment.

¹ When I originally wrote this post, this was the only sentence, the concept and the necessity seemed self explanatory. It was later brought to attention that this is in fact not the case.
² I’ve also decided to start employing detailed foot notes³ in the steps of David Foster Wallace⁴.
³ Meta-Meta blogs are probably the wave of the future
⁴ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Foster_Wallace
⁵ Fiscal Year ending March 31st. Really only listed so I can have a list of three as I quite rightfully so give a fuck about the oxford comma

Exponential Art...

My desire to create art, my artistic ability, and my availability of time do not line up. My desire is extremely high, my ideas are extremely conceptual, my ability is lacking, and I don’t always have the time available or I become distracted and switch to a different project before completion.

So it occurred to me in a stroke of madness that I should be focusing less on creating art, and focus on creating devices that make art for me. Yes. Now let me preface this with a few things:

1) I do not like automated or computer generated art
2) I don’t like robot art (art made by robots and art with robots as the subject (…for the most part, I saw Bender in this sketch that I liked))
3) I enjoy art that can be tailored to an individual somehow or is based on a set of constraints or determining factors that influence the outcome. Ephemeral, singular, and serendipitous
4) I want art that is in a series or some sort of progression
5) I very much enjoy color field art (Morris Louis, Barnett Newman, Kenneth Noland)

fig 1. Morris Louis

So I’ve devised in my mind and on no more than three pages of a three and a half inch by a five and a half inch Moleskine notebook a rudimentary schematic of how I will do this. I will need nearly all of the following materials:

1) A large amount of Copic markers across the color chart (http://copicmarker.com/)
2) Eighteen inch by twenty four inch paper, no more than 80 gsm
3) Lattice structure to hold markers
4) Wine (Bordeaux (Haut Medoc))
5) Time

So as you, the illustrious reader (…quite the appositive), have surely guessed I will be arranging the markers to be held in the lattice structure as individual pixels that will be pressed down upon 200 sheets of paper. Leaving the markers to bleed over time (I am thinking one month) the ink will continue to draw down into the depths and begin to blend together. Some colors will penetrate deeper, some will blend and some will not, and after a month I will have a progression of prints (a large amount that I will no doubt send to anyone interested) Yes.

But first I need to do some test and some trials. For the first trial I tried some pointillism work with five sheets bundled together and being manually held to the paper for only thirty seconds. I bundled the paper with this set of fun clips that were purchased at Blick Art Materials at around one forty today. They were more effective than fun. When I first started I was very deliberate with the color choice of each dot and spent too long thinking about the difference in color of lilac and pale lilac. Below are the results from the top sheet to the bottom (…Blackberry Bold 9800 1.8x zoom (flash?(I know…horrible picture quality as the real deal is really vibrant(I have a camera but lost the charger)))

So I was able to clearly get to four sheets with only mild color appearing on the fifth sheet. I like the overall aesthetic and particularly the comparison of sheet 2 with sheet 4. With ink traveling to sheet four without any problem at 30 seconds I am interested now to find out how far it will travel after one minute, ten minutes, and one hundred and forty seven minutes.

Optimal Consumer Paper Towel Pricing Strategy

Yesterday I spilled a glass of Bordeaux when I was making an overly dramatic hand gesture as I was conceptualization plans for an unrelated project on an unrelated topic; which by all accounts may take up the next 8 blog post. The time this took place is irrelevant. After cleaning up the spill with the paper towels we had on hand I left the apartment to CVS to pick up more cleaning supplies to support the frequency of drinks I am spilling in my apartment.

The rows of different brands of paper towels of varying ply and prices were neatly arranged in the 23rd street CVS with the premium bounty resting top shelf. To give consumers some guidance on value CVS provided a price per sheet for each roll. This is not an optimal way to judge the value of paper towels. I don’t really care what the price per sheet is, but rather the price per spill. What I want to know is how many spills on average this roll can support. So I purchased the premium Bounty two ply at 1.4 cents per sheet and the cheapest CVS generic brand at .9 cents per sheet, with Bounty costing 55% more for a single role.

I then needed to define a standard unit of measure for spill. To my knowledge “spill” has yet to be accurately defined by Science and is not included on either the New York State Physics or Chemistry reference tables. Taking a survey of the half consumed wine, martini, collins, gin & tonic glasses, and martini glasses scattered across my bedroom I was able to deduce the following:
• My water glasses on average had 8 fluid ounces remaining, high potential for spills due to the high center of gravity and my propensity for clumsiness
• My gin and tonic glasses had approximately 1 oz remaining (melted ice cubes)
• My martini glasses were bone dry
• Wine glasses typically contained less than an oz; strong clustering of stemware appeared on my nightstand dangerously close to my ivory bed linens

Taking a weighted average cost of cleanup (WACC for short) I am defining a spill as 6.5 ounces. I then poured three separate Spill units on the floor; one for Bounty, one for the cheap CVS brand, and one as the control.

The Bounty paper towel was easily able to absorb the entire spill. Unverified hypothesis believe that Bounty could absorb 1.2 Spills per sheet. The CVS brand required a second sheet to fully absorb a spill. The full spill remained in the control group.

Doing some quick math I was able to determine that Bounty was the clear winner at 1.2 cents per spill and the CVS brand at over 1.9 cents per spill. fin.