An Open Letter to the person who peer-edited my paper.

Dear Asshole,

The purpose of constructive criticism is to help a person get better at their paper, not by jabbing at them to make yourself feel better.

"The tone of your paper is completely inappropriate. This is not intended to be a conversation with your boss...If you had actually composed this paper in the workplace you would be fired."

Sir, you are poorly mistaken. The purpose of this school is not to get a degree in writing Legalese, and boring inter-office memos that get placed into the circular file without so much as a second glance.

I would be fired if I wrote something like this? I have written something like this before. Actually several times. Uh oh, that was a fragment sentence, I guess my blog should be deleted. Guess what? I wasn't fired! My boss read it, and liked it!

But wait, you say, I am using a completely incorrect tone. My sentence structure isn't perfect, and I'm using *gasp* colloquial phrases. But in college, they taught us to only use bland, semi-articulate language so that the reader decides it's a better use of his time to wipe his ass with the paper than finish it.

You often mention a study that I cite throughout the FIRST DRAFT OF MY PAPER. Odd, I didn't mention any study while I was writing it, nor did I find any reference to a study when I re-read it.

"Your paper is riddled with things such as this."

How can my paper be riddled with anything?

In case you cannot read that, let me help you out. "Damaged throughout by numerous perforations or holes." I wish I knew what was riddling my paper, but because you didn't define the pronoun in the sentence, I guess we'll never know. Because the document sure as shit wasn't full of holes.

"An example is the statement of liberal or conservative bias in your two media sources. This is not a given. Did someone prominent say this?"

That's a valid point you make, I didn't explain whether my news sources had a purported liberal or conservative slant. TOO FUCKING BAD ITS THE NEW YORK TIMES AND FOX NEWS. Have you had your head in the sand for the last 18 to 21 years of your miserable life. Everybody prominent says this. In case you're still lost, The New York Times has a liberal slant, and Fox News has a conservative bias. Fascinating use of language right there, slant vs. bias, but I'll discuss that in another post.

Quite simply, if you don't know by now that The New York Times is left leaning and Fox News is right, then you do not deserve to go to this school any longer.

Let me now take the time to reiterate what I just wrote. I learned how to do this in third grade for the 5 paragraph essay prompts. I don't like doing this in my papers, which you pointed out, because it's repetitive, and guess what? I already said everything I'm about to say in the conclusion.

In conclusion, go fuck yourself, you pompous, arrogant fuck. Maybe if you took the time to grow a pair and get out of your one track 'Scholarly Research Paper' mentality that is about as narrow-minded as George Bush's Iraq strategy, we could be friends.

But until then, I hate you.

Sincerely Yours,

Jordan Weil.