Everything that is Wrong with America...and then some

(I wrote this post on the plane back from London)

They say that nothing good is ever on airline TV. I disagree. Today I watched two excellent movies, The Last King of Scotland and All the King’s Horses. I guess you could say that I was in a political mood today. Regardless, that’s not what I’m writing about.

With less than the time it takes to watch a full movie, I decided to turn on a TV show, and selected 30 Days: Binge Drinking. Two words: Fuck you Morgan Spurlocker. Ok that’s four words. Anyway, we follow this suburban housewife that doesn’t drink and see the effects of her binge drinking for 30 days. Morgan informs us that binge drinking is four drinks in two hours. Ok, not a problem, except that the daughter is a total sorority slut and mom is an extreme lightweight. P.S. this takes place at Arizona State.

The premise of this show is that college students are alcoholics and we need to change the system. Yeah well you guys did it too.

On the first night, Mom drinks a bottle of wine in two hours, and gets pretty hammered. She then throws up in the middle of the night, and was a complete disaster the whole next day. Yes, if that happened to all us college students, that would be a problem. Also, mom, your life is very boring. An exact quote from the show: “Mom’s life went from housework and exercise to drinking and hangovers”. Shit, that sounds like an upgrade to me.

Oh here’s an update. The nurse that Mom goes to in order to see how she’s holding up is a recovered alcoholic. Wow, sounds just a little set up to me.

The show keeps talking about how mom isn’t showing the dangers of drinking to her kid. Maybe it’s because ‘*gasp* drinking isn’t bad for you. I must say, though, Daughter is pretty hot, but daughter’s friend has a pretty bad nosejob.

My god, I think this is just about the least convincing argument to stop drinking ever. And daughter agrees. The worst part is, the majority of the time, mom looks like she’s having an absolutely fantastic time when she goes out, with a voiceover saying this is bad. You know how to reduce binge drinking, let kids drink younger. American youth have the rate of alcoholism ever. And we also have the highest drinking age, with the exception of one of those Mid-Eastern nations that doesn’t allow women to drive.

I had a very interesting conversation with a publord in Paris. Yeah, that’s right, I go all the way to Paris and find the one Scottish pub to sit in for 4 hours. Shocking, I know. So we’re sitting there, and all of a sudden these French schoolchildren just walk on in and sit down. They don’t drink. They don’t try. The drinking age is 16 there, and they don’t even try to break it. The publord told me that they try to get them to drink, but they don’t. So what I learned out of that is responsible drinking from a younger age will foster responsible drinking habits throughout life. It’s this reactionary conservative propaganda that is the reason that the system is changing. There, that’s right, Morgan Spurlocker, your show added to the binge drinking culture, and strengthened it. The complete opposite of what you wanted to do. Why? Because you’re an idiot.

Life Sucks

Probably the last YouTube post for a while. But this kills me. Probably doesn't promote the right reasons for drinking but promotes drinking nonetheless. Good fight, good night.

Old iPod Commercial

I think this might be the first iPod Commercial. It seems like it came out so long ago, yet it was only five years. I don't know if anyone at Apple thought iPods were going to get as big as they did. Thought this was pretty cool.

On a side note, I'm becoming increasingly technologically advanced in my blog. Look, a video! And not yesterday I discovered how to make a link pop into a new window! Wow, these internets really are pretty neat. Anyway I noticed that recently I've been posting more than I usually do. I don't really know why.

Done.

Matthew Lesko's An Idiot

"You've never seen a book so easy to use!" is a direct quote from Matthew Lesko (I figured out how to make links pop up into new windows). You might remember this character as the guy who has all those crazy commercials promoting "free money".

This sentence is similar to Lewis Black's example: "I never would have spent that year in college if it wasn't for my horse". What is wrong with you, Matthew Lesko? And why do I want to keep spelling your name Matthew Lesco?

You've never seen a book so easy to use. Are you retarded? A book so easy to use? I have to assume that someone besides Matthew Lesko looked at the script before he made the commercial. I assume someone saw the commercial in post-production before it hit the air. So I think it's fair to say that this was not a script error.

I can't get over this. A BOOK so easy to USE. I can see it now. You order your fresh copy of whatever his book is called, pull it out of the box (did he get the government to pay the postage), but wait, is the book broken? You just cannot figure out how to use it. You look in the box again; salvation! The instruction manual.

Step 1. Hold book in hands. For proper operation, ensure book is in the upright position
Step 2. With left hand, grasp top cover and tug in an arcing motion from right to left.
Step 3. Look down at text. Read.
Step 4. When all text has been read on page, take hand, and in similar arcing motion to cover, turn page. Repeat as needed.

Holy retarded dogshit, Batman! It really is the easiest book to operate I've ever seen! Matthew Lesko, I am hereby submitting your name to Keith Olbermann's 'Worst People in the World' bit on MSNBC. As soon as I figure out how.

In conclusion, I have misspelled Matthew Lesko's name every time I've typed it (including that one), therefore Matthew Lesko, you should rename yourself to Matthew Lesco.

Christmas Party

OK, so it wasn't that big, but I had a Holiday Party the other day, and I figured that it was finally time to write about it. It's only been like two weeks. Or three. Plus it was just Christmas, therefore I find it timely.
It was a holiday attire themed party. Men had to wear either Christmas sweaters or cocktail party and women the same. We had a laisez-faire economy with drinks. You give me $5 and I get you drunk. This for that, get it? To be honest with you, I've been having more fun with the pictures than the actual post, so you're kind of getting fucked if you want to hear about the party.
Anyway, a metric shitload of people showed up, we went through all of our booze (and then some), and many a people got fairly intoxicated (an understatement). Sangster (left) left his bow tie (pictured right) in my room. I'm not going to apologize about the poor quality of the writing on the pictures. You try doing that with a touch pad, and tell me how it goes. As a side note, I notice that all my posts recently have been late at night. Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Syriana

I just finished watching Syriana for the first time. I must admit, I really enjoyed the movie. However, I have to point out that this is definitely the kind of film that you need to watch more than once to fully understand it. Part of the problem is the fact that the movie's set up more like a book than a motion picture--with several story lines that begin completely separated then slowly come together in the end.

Excellent cinematography, beautiful scenery, and the director had a great selection of cut sequences. It is interesting to point out that George Clooney appeared to have put on a considerable amount of weight for this role, and even changed his stride to fit the character. Overall his acting was clean and convincing except the torture sequence. Yeah, he gets tortured, no it doesn't look convincing. If you haven't seen the movie and still want to, then maybe you should pick up my blog at the next entry--though it's not like I'm telling you that Bruce Willis was dead in the Sixth Sense.

I've fucked up my fingernails before, and let me tell you, shit hurts. A lot. Getting ten of them pulled out with a pair of nail pulling pliers (interestingly enough their actual name, look it up) would probably leave you in enough pain to make it difficult to utter a one liner to your accuser.

So that was pretty much my big qualm with the movie. Syriana shows an in depth look at the intense corruption of the oil industry, and how America will do what it takes to keep ourselves on top. It touches into the causes of Muslim extremism, and how the American government is more concerned with keeping the supply going than fostering democracy in the Middle East. As Danny Dalton said, "Corruption is why we win."

I really liked the ending. It came very fast and very hard, and wasn't your typical uplifting Hollywood ending. Syriana, like our foreign policy leaves the viewer with a lot of unanswered questions, and untied knots. Definitely a movie I'll see again, if for no other reason to try and understand the part of the plot that I missed the first time. Highly recommended.

The Iraqi Horror Picture Show

What are we still doing there?

Iraq Police Deaths 'hit 12,000' (from bbc.com)

Killer Apps

It has recently occurred to me that the meaning of the phrase "killer apps" has fundamentally changed. Maybe it's because I've been reading too much On Language by William Saffire, but this idea just kinda popped into my head the other day, and I thought I would share it with you lovely people. I've thrown something together in Photoshop to illustrate my point. (Click on the picture to make it bigger, as always)
By now, I'm sure you know what I mean. You used to go to a cocktail party and comment on the killer apps that the host made. Or got catered. Regardless, it meant that the appetizers happened to be pretty good. Then along came Al Gore and his "The Internet". All of a sudden, computers are becoming more important than food, and people are playing World of Warcraft (if you don't know, click) for 12 hours straight. So now people go to computer parties, and await the release of the next "killer app" while eating what are potentially delicious hors d'oeuvres. This has been another educational lesson brought to you by A Clean, Well Lighted Place, makers of Frank's Homicidal Ointment. Thanks for reading, and we hope to see you soon.